To the tearful dismay of the masses, it’s been quite some time since Wrestling’s Only Unbiased Columnist posted a fresh Stately States. Rejoice, girls and buoys, I have returned, to once again be The Rage Of The Digital Page.
I was going to continue last column’s theme, explaining how self-described “REAL Wrestling Fans” are less useful than sunscreen on a scuba diver, and such imbeciles they think a salad bar is where lettuce goes to get drunk and fishcake is what they serve on birthdays at Sea World.
But since there’s so much to cover, I’m going to opt for something I used to do in my Power Slam column, stringing together brief thoughts on recent developments.
For the unaware, PS was published in England from 1994 to 2014, I being the only member of the writing staff onboard for the full 20 years, penning Manor’s Mat Musings. This is not to be confused with the newish UK mag wherein Mat Musings was STOLEN, its far-inferior author and gutless publisher rudely ignoring my inquiries about the blatant rip-off—twice.
Accept no substitutes.
First, a quick quiz:
Who are The. Worst. Fans. Ever? You make the call.
A. Doesn’t live-tweet a single sporting event the rest of the week but will do so when a certain wrestling show is in progress to “subtly” prove he’s not watching it.
B, Constantly opines “The WWE’s current product is abysmal,” brings it up daily, then one day casually notes “I haven’t watched it in ten years.” (Probably lying, anyway.)
C, The malcontent who rips on WWE non-stop but has a podcast or YouTube show solely dependent upon viewing content on—where else?—the WWE Network.
Now, onto the ramblings.
If Chris Jericho came down the aisle with Ralphus now, could anyone tell them apart? Defeating Jerko in that champagne pool match has done wonders for Orange Julius, er, Cassidy. Now when they say “He sells a lot of T-shirts,” it means he’s working at the merch table….Where are all the “Ronda didn’t pay any dues” moaners when it comes to Dominik Mysterio? I’m waiting for Rey’s daughter to begin wrestling so I can claim “She moves in Mysterio ways.” Because I’m a freaking genius….The makeover has exposed that Ruby is much hotter than Sasha WHO IS MARRIED AND WILL NEVER GET WITH YOU, SO QUIT DROOLING OVER HER, LOSER….Must be exciting being a fresh team in AEW. You get the biggest hype imaginable, for four straight weeks—before losing to the Bucks and getting relegated to midcard limbo. Which has happened to EVERY SINGLE TEAM.
Let me see if I have all this straight. Certain championship matches every few months require a contract signing but all the other matches don’t. Those in certain sensitive circles get upset when someone uses “IWC” to describe them. All the while calling themselves the Wrestling Community. Which is what the “WC” in “IWC” represents. Tony Khan’d playing a rich creep on “purchased” Impact time does not contradict the whole “He will never play a character on television” because it’s on Impact rather than Dynamite. And people gleefully paid to see Joey Ryan have others fondle his junk (and encouraged more of such antics) yet allegedly never suspected the man is a little odd. Enablers turned virtue signalers sure like to play dumb.
Isn’t it odd how Zelina Vega never expressed a single care about a wrestlers’ union until she got fired? Weird coincidence, huh?…It says a lot about fraud Josh Matthews when being replaced by Matt Striker is considered an upgrade…. Reby Hardy has many important connections. Perhaps one day she’ll introduce Matt to hair conditioner….I hear Shayna Baszler is determined to lick every woman in the WWE locker room. Even if it means hopping on them in the showers! Some aren’t going to take that lying down….Did you know, on Halloween 2019, Micro Stunt trick-or-treated in a suit of armor, but people kept mistaking him for a fire hydrant?…Unconfirmed, but I’m hearing reports that there was one 24-hour period in which Jim Ross didn’t release a public statement concerning the opinion or history of Jim Ross….Gary Heltz of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, will be missing 205 Live next week. There goes half their viewership.
All these weeks with Smackdown not having a live audience. A shame they didn’t also go without a live color commentator….Ever notice Tom Phillips has the same initials as “toilet paper”? That may be why Samoa Joe told me Phillips is an asswipe….The Grizzled Young Veterans keep the company’s streak going—the streak of Worst Ring Names Ever. Empress Of Tomorrow, Forgotten Sons, Genius Of The Sky, Archer Of Infamy, Authors Of Pain: Will whichever comic-book nerd who came up with this dross please explain to me how an era can be “undisputed”?… Mia Jax yells “My hole,” and is instantly transformed into the darling of the IWC—who had ripped her mercilessly since about nine minutes after her debut. Then again, for 83 percent of those gits, it was the first—and last—time they ever heard a woman reference an orifice below the waist….”Elimination Chamber” sounds like something NASA came up with to name a space station toilet.
If you’re wondering where Jimmy Uso has been, he’s opened a driving school with Jeff Hardy and Nick Hogan. Putting the “high” in “highway”….I’m delighted to see Naomi’s back. She looks great from that angle….Hearing rumors about an all- Lana-fan cable channel. Instead of “television,” it’s going to be called “Incelevision”….Taz’s “wearing shades inside” thing is really cool—if it’s 1967 and you’re the lead singer of Steppenwolf….I am looking forward to the Impact episode in which Tommy Dreamer performs a teary retirement speech. I bet it will be better than the 47 he’s done before.
Okay, that’s enough.
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…although you’re probably too cheap to do either.