SS56—Mat This ‘n’ That/I’m Back, Jack

To the tearful dismay of the masses, it’s been quite some time since Wrestling’s Only Unbiased Columnist posted a fresh Stately States.  Rejoice, girls and buoys, I have returned, to once again be The Rage Of The Digital Page.

I was going to continue last column’s theme, explaining how self-described “REAL Wrestling Fans” are less useful than sunscreen on a scuba diver, and such imbeciles they think a salad bar is where lettuce goes to get drunk and fishcake is what they serve on birthdays at Sea World.

But since there’s so much to cover, I’m going to opt for something I used to do in my Power Slam column, stringing together brief thoughts on recent developments.

For the unaware, PS was published in England from 1994 to 2014, I being the only member of the writing staff onboard for the full 20 years, penning Manor’s Mat Musings.   This is not to be confused with the newish UK mag wherein Mat Musings was STOLEN, its far-inferior author and gutless publisher rudely ignoring my inquiries about the blatant rip-off—twice.

Musings logo MINE

Accept no substitutes.

First, a quick quiz:

Who are The. Worst. Fans. Ever?  You make the call.

A.  Doesn’t live-tweet a single sporting event the rest of the week but will do so when a certain wrestling show is in progress to “subtly” prove he’s not watching it.

B,  Constantly opines “The WWE’s current product is abysmal,” brings it up daily, then one day casually notes “I haven’t watched it in ten years.”  (Probably lying, anyway.) 

C,  The malcontent who rips on WWE non-stop but has a podcast or YouTube show solely dependent upon viewing content on—where else?—the WWE Network.

Now, onto the ramblings.

If Chris Jericho came down the aisle with Ralphus now, could anyone tell them apart?  Defeating Jerko in that champagne pool match has done wonders for Orange Julius, er, Cassidy.  Now when they say “He sells a lot of T-shirts,” it means he’s working at the merch table….Where are all the “Ronda didn’t pay any dues” moaners when it comes to Dominik Mysterio?  I’m waiting for Rey’s daughter to begin wrestling so I can claim “She moves in Mysterio ways.”  Because I’m a freaking genius….The makeover has exposed that Ruby is much hotter than Sasha WHO IS MARRIED AND WILL NEVER GET WITH YOU, SO QUIT DROOLING OVER HER, LOSER….Must be exciting being a fresh team in AEW.  You get the biggest hype imaginable, for four straight weeks—before losing to the Bucks and getting relegated to midcard limbo.  Which has happened to EVERY SINGLE TEAM.

Let me see if I have all this straight.  Certain championship matches every few months require a contract signing but all the other matches don’t.  Those in certain sensitive circles get upset when someone uses “IWC” to describe them.  All the while calling themselves the Wrestling Community.  Which is what the “WC” in “IWC” represents.  Tony Khan’d playing a rich creep on “purchased” Impact time does not contradict the whole “He will never play a character on television” because it’s on Impact rather than Dynamite.  And people gleefully paid to see Joey Ryan have others fondle his junk (and encouraged more of such antics) yet allegedly never suspected the man is a little odd.  Enablers turned virtue signalers sure like to play dumb.

face palm MONTAGE VVVG

Isn’t it odd how Zelina Vega never expressed a single care about a wrestlers’ union until she got fired?  Weird coincidence, huh?…It says a lot about fraud Josh Matthews when being replaced by Matt Striker is considered an upgrade…. Reby Hardy has many important connections.  Perhaps one day she’ll introduce Matt to hair conditioner….I hear Shayna Baszler is determined to lick every woman in the WWE locker room.  Even if it means hopping on them in the showers!  Some aren’t going to take that lying down….Did you know, on Halloween 2019, Micro Stunt trick-or-treated in a suit of armor, but people kept mistaking him for a fire hydrant?…Unconfirmed, but I’m hearing reports that there was one 24-hour period in which Jim Ross didn’t release a public statement concerning the opinion or history of Jim Ross….Gary Heltz of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, will be missing 205 Live next week.  There goes half their viewership.

All these weeks with Smackdown not having a live audience.  A shame they didn’t also go without a live color commentator….Ever notice Tom Phillips has the same initials as “toilet paper”?  That may be why Samoa Joe told me Phillips is an asswipe….The Grizzled Young Veterans keep the company’s streak going—the streak of Worst Ring Names Ever.  Empress Of Tomorrow, Forgotten Sons, Genius Of The Sky, Archer Of Infamy, Authors Of Pain:  Will whichever comic-book nerd who came up with this dross please explain to me how an era can be “undisputed”?… Mia Jax yells “My hole,” and is instantly transformed into the darling of the IWC—who had ripped her mercilessly since about nine minutes after her debut.  Then again, for 83 percent of those gits, it was the first—and last—time they ever heard a woman reference an orifice below the waist….”Elimination Chamber” sounds like something NASA came up with to name a space station toilet.

If you’re wondering where Jimmy Uso has been, he’s opened a driving school with Jeff Hardy and Nick Hogan.  Putting the “high” in “highway”….I’m delighted to see Naomi’s back.  She looks great from that angle….Hearing rumors about an all- Lana-fan cable channel.  Instead of “television,” it’s going to be called “Incelevision”….Taz’s “wearing shades inside” thing is really cool—if it’s 1967 and you’re the lead singer of Steppenwolf….I am looking forward to the Impact episode in which Tommy Dreamer performs a teary retirement speech.  I bet it will be better than the 47 he’s done before.

Okay, that’s enough.

If you love this column, signify by purchasing two cups at https://ko-fi.com/manormania

If you hate this column, signify by purchasing three cups at https://ko-fi.com/manormania

…although you’re probably too cheap to do either.

SS52—Official New Rules For Wrestling-Related Social Media

Examine the statistics any night there is a broadcast or PPV, and one topic thoroughly dominates the Trending charts—professional wrestling.  To bring some organization and decorum to the scene, the Federal Communications Commission assigned me to catalog the Official New Rules For Wrestling-Related Social Media.

They are, in no order of priority, as follows.

Rule #1—Remind us daily:

a) How you don’t watch the WWE—but it’s “trash,” which you know because, um….

Not to be confused with Person Who Claims They Never Watch The WWE–or Person Who Says They Only Watch Vintage Wrestling–yet very accurately cranks out 122 tweets per week about current WWE roster stars, who is and isn’t good on the mic, the latest storylines, etc.

b) There are many options nowadays. None of us is bright enough to have figured this out yet.

c) Vince McMahon is senile, when there’s one stinker of a match, but ignore the claim when wrestlers you like go over, e.g. all the fan faves winning straps at Wrestlemania 35.

Rule #2—Behave as though you “have to” watch a show as it airs live.

The world is breathlessly awaiting your expert critique, entire continents populated by those on the edge of their seats in anticipation of your every thought.

Oh, the sleepless night all will have if you opt to wait until tomorrow to enlighten the unwashed masses.  This is especially true of the show’s performers, each deeply concerned about earning your approval and absorbing your advice regarding what they can improve upon.

“Oh, no, Denver Danny says my moonsault “looked weak.”  That does it. I’m cancelling all my bookings and returning to the training center for three months. Thanks, Danny, for saving my twelve-year career.”

This rule is triple-important for those who have an ocean between them and the event site.  You being up until 4 a.m. local time is providing an invaluable service to the dozen of your countrymen who just watched the same show.

Rule #3—Start or join a Closed Facebook Group so you can ridicule everyone associated with the business on a site they can’t actually see, and thus you can still suck up to them publicly and also not be afraid they’ll tune you up.

Rule #4—It is silly to wait until the follow-up show after a dramatic angle, before condemning the booking decision.

It isn’t as though they book these things with any thought given to what comes next.  Or a “screwed” wrestler has ever been positioned for a major victory on an even bigger card.

In your infinite wisdom, you KNOW exactly how everything is going to play out and that it is going to “suck.”  May as well pounce all over it now.  After all, you’ve never been wrong jumping to a conclusion.

(Hey, remember how you peed all over the intro of the 24/7 belt?)

Rule #5—If your illegal stream of a PPV event is acting up, by all means gripe about it online. Crashes altogether? Can always go back to brag-posting about how much you support the promotion.

 Rule #6—Quarter-star ratings are vital.  No doubt you can thoroughly explain the difference between a 2 ½ and 2 ¾ star match, right?

Rule #7—Should RAW ratings continue to sputter, blame Mr. McMahon, not Teflon Paul Heyman, claiming the former Mr. Dangerously has his hands tied.  Should RAW prosper, “Heyman proves once again he’s a genius.”  It’s not like Vince had a say in hiring him, or anything.

Rule #8–Television ratings and buyrates make matches, angles, promos, vignettes, finishers and commentary good.  Keep harping on them!

Rule #9–Proudly fill your Profile bio with a list of wrestling personalities who have Blocked you.

Out of the millions online, these celebrities selected YOU to single out (as an asshole.)  Congratulations (dickhead)!  It takes a special breed (of jerkoff) to offend someone who forgot your fake name with ten seconds. I bet some of the other seventh-graders think you’re super-cool, bro!

Rule #10–CHOOSE SIDES.  Do you prefer AEW?  WWE?  Japanese?  All-Women promotions?  Small-scale indies?  Or maybe a rising British federation?  In that case, consider all other companies and their fans “the enemy” and, of course, “wrong.”

Why should anyone enjoy wrestling that’s not your favorite?  Gentle persuasion never succeeded as a method to educate fools to the error of their ways.  Shouting at total strangers, harshly mocking every misstep “the opposition” performs but ignoring when your team does the exact same thing—that’s what being “a REAL fan” is all about.

Who knows, maybe someday, out of recognition of your tireless efforts, one member of an undercard tag team will wave back at you as he leaves the arena!

You can’t half-ass this, though.  When you see some loser in the shirt of a “rival” company, briskly slap him or her right in the face.  Drop a couple hundred on a front-row ticket to “invade” an enemy’s TV or PPV and disrupt the mindless-sheep fans by chanting the name of your superior promotion.  And who not get a huge neck tattoo of the latter’s logo?

Being a hardcore loyalist who very vocally and publicly sneers at and derides other promotions always pays off, never backfires.  Just ask those who were meta-fans of ECW and WCW!

Rule #11–Butt into convos of noted wrestling reporters to name-call either them or people disagreeing with them, adding nothing to the debate itself.

Rule #12—Continue to sign up for services that create hundreds or even thousands of “Followers.”  No one can click on your Follower list and see 472 accounts that don’t even tweet in English or ever post anything about the one subject you obsess over.  Probably just a technical glitch, the way you have 7419 Followers yet your live tweets and general opinions average three Likes each.

Rule #13—Retweet the videos of that mentally challenged juggalo untrained “stunt man” legitimately hurting himself for approval. Ditto harsh neck bumps, dives from insane heights that disastrously misfire, and apron bumps.  Only a snowflake thinks those seen in these clips are human beings.

Rule #14—Quote-tweet EVERY time someone compliments you.  Extra credit for calling them “sir” when adding a butt-munch “thank you” line.

Rule #15—Write off anything with “Wrestling has evolved.”

Big deal, you don’t understand the difference between “evolved” and “changed” and how one is subjective and therefore debatable.  All the other “knowing fans” are using the phrase to alibi for their pets.  And that’s good enough for you, Buckaroo!

Rule #16—If you run a “news site,” feel free to fabricate allegations and outright lies, to add a seamy layer to any story.

Wrestler A no-shows an indie date?  It couldn’t possibly be transportation trouble, illness, or the promoter reneging on the agreed-upon appearance fee.  Nope, A is back on drugs.

Wrestler B asks for September off?  It’s not that she’s getting married and moving into a new home in another country that month.  Naaah, she hates her lack of a title shot.

Tag team C turns down the first re-signing offer they’re given, four months before their current contract expires?  That’s not a smooth negotiating tactic to get a better offer.  They are counting the days until they can leave for Japan.

You can also opt to “balance out” the nabobs of negativity by establishing a nice friendly bootlicking news account instead.  Just scan the web for the most popular opinions—even if they are harebrained—and mix in some editorial asides with your news updates.

“My dream match is POC vs Walter.”

“Rey Misterio is Mexico’s most beloved luchadore ever.”

“There has never been a wrestler with more natural charisma than Kenny Omega.”

Don’t forget the occasional pretend-bravery keester kiss.

“This may ruffle some feathers, but I’m okay with Ronda Rousey being gone.”

“Unpopular opinion:  Baron Corbin’s big push has run its course.”

“You may not agree, but I say Samoa Joe would look good with the Universal championship around his waist.”

It’s okay to sprinkle in these gutsy, provocative prose once in a while.  Controversy Creates Clicks.

Rule #17—Here’s a slick trick.  When a mutual or fellow FB group member posts something extremely clever or astute, give it a minor tweak then tweet it as your own when applicable in a week or two.  Granted, the irate originator will think you’re an a-hole (and be right.)  But you got over, and that’s all that matters.

Let’s be honest:  The number-one priority of two-thirds in the “Wrestling Community” is to push themselves; discussing the matches and so forth, a very distant second.  Screwing one person to impress thousands is a no-brainer.

 

ADDITIONAL RULES FOR CELEBRITIES

Rule #C1 —Tweet pandering questions you have neither genuine interest in nor intention of reading responses to.

“Who drank water today?”

“What do you think of inhaling oxygen?”

“Who’s having a birthday in the next twelve months?”

And don’t forget the motivational speaker/philosopher routine.

“If you really want something bad enough, think about others who also share that desire. Striving for goodness will amplify your journey, like salmon swimming upstream.”

Rule #C2 —It’s REALLY important the world knows you are in love.  Posts scads of pix of you and your sweetie, destroying any tenuous fantasy of availability that’s paramount to your appeal to millions of fans.

Sure, your merch sales will go in the toilet and the heartbroken will sit on their hands during your matches.  But you have a soulmate who will be by your side FOREVER (or until March 31st, whichever comes first.)

Rule #C3—Heels, tweet or IG about taking orphans to the zoo, rescuing puppies from floods, etc.

Additionally, heels or faces, if your Twitter gets hot doing shtick in-character, be sure to post incessantly.  NO WAY will you run out of steam and fresh ideas within four weeks.

Rule #C4—Quote-tweet reply, acting all bubbly with fellow stars, while never ever responding to sincere questions or replies from average Joes.  Reminding people “There’s a clique, and you ain’t in it” won’t alienate a soul.

 

SS44—Manor On (Social) Media: You guys are GREAT!

With my Follower total resetting to zero when it hit 70 million, there’s no debating @SWManor is the most popular Twitter account that (sometimes) includes wrestling-related posts.  Consequently, I am constantly flooded with genius-level opinions regarding the King Of Sports.  This time out I will examine the most common of those incredibly astute communications.

 

“RAW and Smackdown are in huge financial trouble.  Look at this picture of all the empty seats in the arena the telecast is coming from tonight.”

Always trust “empty seat” photos posted online, even though the person taking the picture fails to mention it was shot an hour before the show started.  The billion-dollar WWE with two major television outlets currently bidding hundreds of millions for their broadcast rights is in dire financial condition!  I’m selling all my WWE stock right this minute!!!

 

“Chris Benoit should go in the Hall Of Fame.  After all, it’s been ten years and he was never convicted of any crime.”

Right you are, MENSA member.  Let’s take it a step further and also add Adolph Hitler to the Celebrity Wing.  It’s been over seventy years and the Fuhrer never stood trial or was even arrested!

Quite a shame Chuckling Charlie Manson croaked.  His induction speech for ol’ Adolph would have totally ruled, dude.

 

“So awesome seeing all the guys in Bullet Club shirts on WWE TV.”

Yes, these rugged individualists all dressed alike are really sticking it to the WWE by buying those $250 ringside seats then going home to watch good wrestling on the Network.  Right on, brother.  Fight the power!

 

“Now that Dixie Carter is gone, I’m going to give Impact another chance.”

Wow, that is so incredibly kind of you.  The promotion you sneered at for the past ten years while claiming to never watch it—yet being familiar with Bobby Roode, EC3, Eric Young, the Broken gimmick, etc the moment they arrived in NXT/WWE—is going to be blessed with your impartial eyes analyzing the product.  I’m immediately going to phone Scott D’Amore to ensure he sends you a “Thank You” card along with one addressed to your mother, for bringing you into this world.

(Your biological father will get one, too—if he’s ever identified.)

 

“It’s okay.  I’m a heel fan.”

I’ll say you are, buddy!  Don’t be so humble.  You are among the biggest “heel fans” in all of wrestling.*

Can you believe some snowflake SJW buzzkills think that buying a ticket means you are a spectator and not a participant in an event?  Losers.  But, anyway….

The way perfectly chiseled Hercules-lookalike you called that person actually in the business “a fat pig”…I-I-I am nearly at a loss for words, so awestruck by the profundity, originality and jaw-dropping cleverness of your material (…even if it bore no resemblance to something anyone who grasped heeling would say or do.)

And, oh my word, the way you yelled “You slut” at a woman you know nothing about—which, come to think of it, is exactly how much you know about any woman—is pure gold.

But why limit it to shouting from a crowd several feet away?  I say take the next step: wait for a female wrestler in the parking lot, get face-to-face with her while she’s with some of the male wrestlers or her husband, and go “Hey, whore, blow me.”  I can absolutely promise you’ll get an enthusiastic pat on the back and be declared KING of all “heel fans.”*

[*presuming “heel fans” is synonymous with “assholes”…which it is.]

 

“All In 2018 is going to be off the hook!!!”

You know it, baby.  Even though you don’t know minor details like the lineup or if you’ll in fact be able to watch it if not in attendance, it’s going to be lit (since it’s indoors and at night.)  Imagine that—shooting to fill a 10,000-seat venue.  From what I understand, that’s never been done before by any promotion ever. Too sweet me, bro!!!

All In Pee Wee

 

“_____ should go to Japan where he’d be more appreciated.

Yep.  Wrestling promotions are like social clubs.  Much like you decide to choose a AAA membership for safe motoring, a grappler picks out a promotion, then “joins” NJPW, Progress, Chikara Pro, Impact Wrestling, ICW, Ring Of Honor or whatever else tickles his fancy at the moment.  Any contract he has inked with his current employer can be casually torn up.  It’s only a piece of paper, right?

As TV has taught us, two people sign documents, one turns over the table, then a pull-apart brawl ensues.  Clearly, contracts are just for show and aren’t legally binding or anything.

Also, once a wrestler “joins” another league, he’s instantly installed in a top-tier program to illustrate he’s “more appreciated” than in the past.  This happens every single time, explaining why Samoa Joe and Sami Zayn immediately main-evented on the WWE main roster upon leaving ROH, and have each held multiple WWE titles.

 

“I hate it how he’s being shoved down our throats.”

I know, right?  Every Monday night, here he is being featured for like twenty minutes per episode, doing basically the same thing, since he got his singles push.  Never puts anyone over unless it’s a total fluke or distraction finish.  His “technical ability” is a joke, having maybe five moves.  And how many times do we have to watch him face Brock Lesnar?

Yeah, Braun Strowman needs to go.

 

“I can’t wait to see this indy match featuring Tenille Dashwood!”

It was sooooo unfair of the WWE to cut the historic pioneer of the groundbreaking Women’s Revolution, what with the eardrum-shattering reception Emma was getting upon every entrance and the remarkable way she pulled off the Emmalina makeover.  And who among us does not have a DVR stuffed with her breathtaking matches in NXT and the WWE?  In all honesty, I can’t decide whether the martyred master technician should be called “the modern-day Manami” or “the female Thesz”.

Here’s hoping you enjoy the event.  No doubt Tenille will steal the show.  Especially if it’s held in a Walmart.

 

“We know that everyone hates Roman Reigns.”

Blanket statements with nothing to back them up are very insightful and highly encouraged.  Opinions, facts—pfffft, the same thing.

And by all means use “we,” since you personally are the spokesperson for every single fan across the globe.  Additionally, even though you are the only person manning it, you should use plurals such as “we” and “us” on your site/account to create the illusion you have friends. Not the Facebook kind; but rather people who wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen in public with you (if you can imagine that.)

Also, feel free to constantly refer to “our sources.” It’s a lot easier than typing “something Dave Meltzer or PWInsider posted and I’m just copying so it looks like I get info from someone inside even though the closest I’ve ever come to the industry is once seeing Mikey from the Spirit Squad pulling out of a KFC lot.”


“@VinceMcMahon”

Utter brilliance.  I am certain that, after every PPV and TV broadcast, Vince’s immediate priority is to check his Twitter feed and take fastidious notes regarding what wrestling fans want.  The following morning, he has a meeting with his entire staff, outlining demands made by @smark4life et al, and ordering them to be implemented at once.  That evening, Vince goes through the timelines of each of his two million Followers, hoping the changes met with their approval.

Vince laughing GIF

The Chairman contemplating fans’ advice

“Ronda Rousey doesn’t deserve to just walk in and get on Wrestlemania.”

Yeah, look at all the Sports Illustrated spreads, multi-million-dollar-grossing PPVs and Olympic medals Sasha Banks had on her resume before she got to the WWE.  And who’s more of a worldwide household name than “the girl who’s Snoop Dogg’s cousin”?

You were right in criticizing Ronda’s initial promo, too.  I’m sure those badmouthing Rousey could—on their very first speech in a pro wrestling ring, live, in front of millions watching in the arena and at home—knock it clean out of the park.  Especially reciting a memorized scripted promo rather than speaking in their own words.

 

“Finn Balor should have won Elimination Chamber then the Universal Championship at Wrestlemania.”

So true. Mr. McMahon is very fond of smaller guys, particularly men in whom he invests a fortune in time and money then get injured right after the Chairman puts the big strap on them.  Why, he even makes them powerless figurehead GMs after they are forced to retire.

 

SS39—Are YOU A True Master Of The Mat World?

If there is one constant in professional wrestling, it’s that everyone opining on social media considers himself an “expert.”  Possibly, even you.  Here’s a litmus test to determine if you truly qualify for such a self-description.

 

Have you ever…

…declared Jinder Mahal is “juiced to the gills”?  Claimed he “didn’t deserve” the SD title shot or subsequent victory?  Bemoaned that he got it because the WWE wants to cash in on the burgeoning Indian market?

…put up good money to launch a podcast wherein the majority of the guests are “friends” who, you know, have never actually been involved in the wrestling business but have watched loads of matches?

…referred to all wrestlers as “Superstars,” any belt as a “title” or “championship,” being that’s the way WWE announcers do so?

…used “heel” as part of your Twitter handle because it’s cool and you’re an easygoing person striving to be popular, never actually doing “heelish” things?

…tweeted to a wrestling celebrity, sprinkling your note with words like “popped” and “buried” so he or she knows you’re a fellow insider?

…run into a wrestler away from the arena (airport, hotel bar, etc.) and ran down your favorite matches from his/her career?

…either to your pals or, better still, to wrestlers’ faces, referred to the latter by their real names (even though you don’t know them personally)?

…used “from what I hear” or “my sources” while meaning “What I read online” or “in a newsletter”?

…chanted “Delete” during a Matt Hardy WWE match despite never watching TNA Impact the entire time he was “Broken”?  Hey, even though that’s where your favorites such as Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode and AJ Styles first came to your attention, “TNA sucks,” right?  LOL

Well, let the balloons come cascading down from the ceiling, set off the pyros and hit the music.  You’ve just become Jackass Of The Month!  Keep it up and, who knows, you might even be selected Jackass Of The YEAR!!!

 

I’m not about to go over all of the above to prove my point.  First off, you wouldn’t understand most of my explanation.  Having answered “Yes” to any of the above indicates you wouldn’t know the first thing about wrestling if you watched a documentary called The First Thing About Wrestling, read the book it was based upon, and bought the graphic novel then had it read to you by the ghost of Lou Thesz, while attending a seminar entitled “The First Thing About Wrestling.”

I will, however, prove the stupidity of “hardcore” fans by breaking down the Jinder Mahal segment for the imbeciles who agreed with any of it.

*”Juiced to the gills”  Let’s see, the WWE suspended their Golden Boy and main-eventer, one Roman Reigns, for a Wellness Policy violation, but they are turning a blind eye to drug test results of a man who, until late April, was on the bottom third of the card, if used at all.  This would be the testing performed by an independent agency, not the WWE itself.

Uh, yeah, and I suppose you know Jinder is “on steroids” because the Easter bunny rode up on a magic unicorn and told you so.

Ten-to-one you’ve never read the Wellness Policy guidelines, and the closest you come to a workout regimen is your midnight stroke sessions to Shimmer DVDs.  Nonetheless, you know THE TRUTH, since six of the 42 active members of your Facebook group agree with you.

Did any of your fellow blowhards explain how a “roided-up” body improves ring and promo skills?  That’s what I thought.

*Mahal “didn’t deserve” anything.  Answer me this, Junior Einsteins:  How come nobody griped about AJ Styles not “deserving” the big belt after being in the WWE just nine months at the time?

Jinder, despite his superior abilities, had to wait seven years (after becoming a full-timer with the promotion) to get a title shot, even though he was a member of the crowd-pleasing 3MB, still among the most downloaded bands on iTunes.

Mahal remains undefeated in Wrestlemania singles competition; Styles couldn’t even beat Grampa Jericho.  Both members of the feared Ascension have been in the WWE longer than nine months, yet neither even got a chance to qualify to face Orton at Backlash.  Why no complaints about that?  Don’t you “hardcore” fans worship every single NXT talent who makes the main roster?

”It’s all about exploiting a new market.”  Ohhhh, I see; so if, in order to boost business in Asia, Shinguard Nakamura gets to hold the gold, you are going to piss and moan about that, threaten to (but, as always, not follow through) cancel the WWE Network and create crybaby hashtags.

Well, aren’t you?

Perhaps you’re right.  The WWE shouldn’t explore outside revenue opportunities. Sure, your obnoxious behavior has driven Raw and Smackdown ratings to 20-year lows due to you alienating the great casual fans who carried the company for decades; and non-American WWE house shows can’t fill half the seats in big-city arenas even thought they only come to town every three months.

But it’s not like they’re a real business, with stockholders and boards and all that.  Oh, wait.

However, let’s say they decided to follow your harebrained wishes—even though where the WWE tours and markets has absolutely no impact whatsoever on you personally—and just to please you, the goddamn center of the universe, they pass up the potential to pick up a measly $100 million or so.

Are you going to tell me you won’t raise a big stink (beyond your existing repugnant body odor) when, to compensate for lost income, the monthly Network fee is $19.95?  Oh, please.

 

So, yo, “expert,” why don’t you shuffle on out of any conversation about the business end of wrestling and let the grown-ups take care of it?  You are better suited for smarmily mocking fans who buy replica belts—and each drop hundreds of dollars into the company coffer (which YOU don’t do.)

Moron.

Awwww, did the above hurt your wittle feewings?  Don’t let the tears stain your T-shirt emblazoned with the NWO logo…even though you weren’t even watching WCW when the Order caught fire over 20 years ago.

Hang on, I have an idea:  you and your too-sweeting buddies should form your own faction called the NCO—the No Clue Order.

 

SS36—It’s 2017…and you’ll never believe what happens next!

It’s that time of the year again and a Stately States tradition:  A remarkably accurate look into what lies ahead for professional wrestling over the next twelve months.  Once again, I peer into my crystal balls—I have them, you know—and reveal all.

*Needing another three hours to kill, WWE holds a one-night Cruiserweight Classic tourney to crown a new champion.  The 47 in attendance attempt to remain awake by performing the wave, chanting “Mojo Rawley” and doing horrendous Hulk Hogan imitations when the hard-camera light is lit.

*Facebook requires those in Groups listed as “wrestling experts” to provide proof they have any link whatsoever to the sport, beyond merely watching matches.  Membership dips by 97 percent.

*Due to a typo—blamed on auto-correct, as per usual—Wrestlemania 33 is co-headlined by Brock Lesnar vs. Gillberg.  It is still better than any previous Lesnar/Goldberg match.

*On the Smackdown brand Parisian tour, Shane McMahon attempts an elbow drop off the Eiffel Tower.  Video footage surfaces of Stephanie McMahon and Triple H snickering during the resultant funeral services.

*Emmalina finally makes her Raw return, only to announce she has a tag partner, who will also take six months to debut.

*Hoping to recapture public attention, the “It’s still real to me” guy releases a YouTube clip of him whimpering “Paige is still hot, to me.”  Three million fanboys who once masturbated to Paige photos mock him on social media.

*In a scene eerily reminiscent of the movie Scanners, Mauro Ranallo’s entire skull explodes after shouting “A SIDE HEADLOCK!!!” at 153 decibels.  scanners-head-exploding-gif

*The ghost of Gorilla Monsoon taps “announcer” David Otunga on the shoulder and asks “Will you stop?”  It’s “history in the making, folks” as Monsoon becomes the first ghost ever to receive a standing ovation.

*With the introduction of the Weekly Schmoz podcast, every single wrestling reference in the entire galaxy has been used within a name of one of these shows.

*Delicious Dixie Carter presents her own variation of the Kiss My Ass Club, called the Burnish My Butt Brigade, whereupon she rubs her derriere with printouts from 2016 tweets and newsletters gleefully declaring “TNA is dead” and “Dixie is gone.”  In one instance, she uses a Smashing Pumpkins CD booklet.

*Even the staunchest devotee must begrudgingly admit a match held in Japan was “three stars at most.”  Thousands of clothes dryers are stuffed with tear-stained Bullet Club shirts.

*Michael Cole is fined $10,000 for failing to call the 107th Sasha/Charlotte match “historic.”

*Booker T sues Joey Ryan over the name of the latter’s new move, the bonerooni.

*Asuka, Samoa Joe and Nakamura debut on the main roster TOGETHER…at which point all three are simultaneously pinned by the Shining Stars and Alicia Fox in ten seconds and immediately sent back to NXT as a smirking Vince McMahon appears on the Titantron, flipping off the audience.

*Lip-synching is suspected, after Lana performs a complete segment without once forgetting her “Russian accent.”

*Lucha Underground is permanently shut down after President Trump deports three-quarters of its employees.

*Balloons drop from the ceiling, pyros go off in abundance in an April edition of Raw, as Big Show makes his 100th turn.  After a sincere speech thanking everyone for their support, he chokeslams ring announcer JoJo.

*The 2017 Oxford Dictionary For Online Wrestling Sites defines “our sources” as “material we swiped from Dave Meltzer” and “buried” as “term never EVER used correctly.”

*John Cena’s retirement tour features merchandise emblazoned with “U Won’t C Me.”

*A survey reveals that 48 percent of fans tossing streamers at US indie shows do it “because everyone else does” and believe the practice originated in Philadelphia.

*Responding to the “one more match” chant, D-Von Dudley’s last words from within a ring are “Get your own damn tables, fat ass!”

*Viewer confusion hits an all-time high, moving the WWE to adopt “good guy, cheer him” and “bad guy, boo” subtitles on all broadcasts.

*New Flotsam streaming service airs nothing but matches held in school gymnasiums and dingy nightclubs.  Subscribers are paid $9.99 a month.

*Two gals wearing a combined 24 square inches of ring gear rave about how the “women’s revolution” has completely changed the role of females.

*Fans who have never once been in a locker room continue to state former WCW, WWE, TNA and ROH employee Jim Cornette “doesn’t know anything about wrestling, bro.”

*Eighty-nine percent of those who in 2016 claimed the just-released Damian Sandow “should go to TNA, that would be AWESOME!” can’t recall his current ring name and never bought a single piece of his TNA merch.

*The entire industry collapses when a wrestler does not kick out of the first pinfall attempt.  Millions roam the streets worldwide, glassy-eyed, mumbling “What just happened?”

SS26–NXTedious/Oral Proficiency

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Yuuuuhhh. Ooh, pardon me for yawning. Was just taking in the promotion currently yielding the most bandwagon-jumping by wrestling hipsters—before, of course, they completely turn against it and spend the rest of their worthless lives bitterly moaning about how far it fell from their inanely over-inflated, rose-colored assessment of what it once (never) was.

Unless you’ve lived in the deepest recesses of a swamp—which wouldn’t surprise me, considering the stench of most wrestling fans—you are already aware the “hippest” thing (for now) is NXT, the “greatest” league in the history of civilized man, even if it does have Rhyno on its roster.

Proof-positive the typical wrestling trend-follower’s brain could fit on the head of a pin and there’d still be room to carve The Lord’s Prayer.

How do the vast majority view NXT? By going online—the exact same process by which they could have been following the “exciting new sensation,” WWE’s developmental system, for SEVEN STINKIN’ YEARS.

“Duhhhh, well, I never knew they had such a league, until the WWE Network started.” Have you also never heard of the crazy new-fangled invention called a Search Engine, whereby even a knuckle-dragger such as you can type in “pro wrestling” and be linked to 97,622 matches from all sorts of times and places? I kid you not. You can even use a Search Engine to finally see what a washing machine looks like! Or a girl!!!

As for the NXT product itself, I can sum it up in three other letters: M-E-H.

Do NXT episodes open with 18-minute verbal feuds topped off by the entirely unpredictable surprise of the matchmaker coming out to announce the squabbling bonebenders will be facing each other in the main event? Do they interrupt matches to interject important public service announcements about vital additions to the Sonic menu? Is its roster versatile enough to switch from goody-goody to villain with no explanation ever offered…and be switched back the next week…or perhaps five minutes later?

As Wrestling’s Only True Journalist, I did extensive research before drawing my conclusions. Having watched nearly all of almost three episodes, what I didn’t see was exhilarating new feuds like Orton vs. Sheamus and Pig Show vs. Mark Henry or a rival faction attempting to take over the company. There were no cute dwarves dressed in mirth-provoking costumes a la Dorito and RockStar Spud. And Chris Jerko hasn’t once come in to take the place of a hungry upstart, allowing the latter to spend plenty of quality time home with his family.

YOU CALL THIS A WRESTLING PROGRAM?!?

Most of all, I don’t see any real talent on the NXT roster. Spotted a couple of cast-offs who did nothing while on a main roster in TNA and WWE, respectively, they being Samoa Joe, the Soup-Slurping Machine and that chick Enema The Klutzy Klepto. Big deal.

“Finn Balor has an awesome entrance, dude,” drools Geeky McNerdo and his IWC brethren. Tremendous! Since it’s all about entrances rather than what happens after the bell rings, let’s call an emergency meeting of the Hall Of Fame Selection Committee and immediately install Oz, Glacier and The Shockmaster…morons.

Every REAL mat historian knows it is only appropriate to wear full face paint if one is an Asian who spews a mysterious mist rendering an opponent helpless. According to the Official International Records Bureau, no one named Finn Balor has ever had so much as a single match in the Orient, let alone been of the Asian persuasion.

Clearly, the company dropped the ball by signing this imposter rather than heed my suggestion, Prince Devitt, a man who spent a great deal of time in Japanese rings. Now, that guy has real skills!

Even though I am always right about everything, you needn’t blindly take my appraisal as fact (like you do with everything else you read online.) Take a look at the record of NXT personnel when given a chance to prove me wrong.

Aaron Neville debuts on Raw, loses to John Cena. Sammy Insane debuts on Raw, loses to John Cena. Kevin Owens debuts on Raw, loses to John Cena. And here’s the best part. Two-thirds of you numskulls gleefully chant “Cena sucks.” Well, if John truly does in fact inhale, as you claim, what does that say about those who can’t beat him?

Here’s the answer: They’re double-losers, just like you. No wonder your biological parents put you up for adoption. Oh, you didn’t know? Ooops!

———–

OKAY, I joke around from time to time; but I am occasionally asked to provide a serious answer to a sincere question. Among the most frequently asked is “What can I do to train to be a wrestling TV announcer?”

Besides buying a preposterous cowboy hat and accumulating a batch of cornball catchphrases you’ll beat to death, working on enunciation is of critical importance. Your word choice won’t matter if listeners can’t understand you, right? There are several oral exercises popular among pro microphone men, each consisting of repeating a phrase until it rolls off the tongue with fluidity.

Here’s the most popular one amongst the grappling announcer fraternity. I’ll break it down to three parts for ease of learning. First word is “Omma.” Simple enough, yes?

Next one is “Di,” this being pronounced the same way those letters sound in “dill” and “dig.” Okay, let’s try the first two together: Omma Di. Omma Di. Now, with the critically important accent on the second one: Omma DI. Omma DI. Good job!

Finally, there’s “Kweed,” pronounced to rhyme with “queen.” Here comes the real challenge: string all three parts together, and repeat the full phrase three times.

Superb!!!!!! In fact, nothing could be more apropos than you chanting “Omma DI Kweed”!

EXTRA CREDIT: Do you call the championship strap traditionally worn around the waist a ‘title”; and the wearer, a “superstar”? Have you ever referred to one grappler “fighting” another? Congratulations, you’re a full-blown jackass!

SS6–I’m sorry…you’re an imbecile!

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I can almost picture it. “Since Ric Flair’s ‘woo’ is the single-most identifiable cry in wrestling history, I’ll go ‘woo woo woo,’ and that will make me three times as famous as the Nature Boy!

“Now let’s see, what can I add to it? Hey, how about ‘You know it,’ even though I never actually explain what ‘it’ is? Wait, then I can add fist-pumping, a Jersey thing, even though I’m from Long Island. This being a genius am fun.”

To which I reply, “Boo boo boo. You blow it.”

Can you believe Zack Ryder’s thievery of Dolph Ziggler’s U.S. title–with one hand on Dolph’s trunks, one hand yanking Dolph’s hair and one hand holding the ropes, I might add–was met with cheers by the ringside reprobates? What’s the matter, was Jojo The Dancing Turkey’s fan club no longer accepting new members?

Putting aside Zack has all the charisma of a loaf of white bread left on the street during a rainstorm and run over by a passing fire truck, here’s the reason this goof should never be allowed to wear championship gold: He’s too damn ugly!

Did you know the cowards from Ghost Hunters hold up a Zack Ryder poster to scare spooks out of haunted houses? Or that, when he was brought to be baptized, the priest took one look at baby Z and demanded to perform an exorcism on his mother’s womb?

I’ll give him this: Whenever I have the stomach to look Ryder directly in the face, he does remind me of a famous stellar athlete–Secretariat.

If you go to Classmates.com, you can find Ryder’s high school yearbook, wherein there’s proof Zack really does have a varsity sports background. As a junior, ZR was on the polo team. At least until he got bounced from the squad because the saddle kept falling off his back.

At the same site, you also learn that the most popular phrase in Long Island is “Well, I wouldn’t exactly call him a friend.” But to Ryder’s credit, he did provide his hometown with one valuable asset: Now they have someone to be more ashamed of than Billy Joel.

The potted pianist’s initials remind me: I recently saw Miss Tessmacher’s TNA “audition” video. Now I know why she is so obviously inexperienced–and inept–on in-ring promos. I’m figuring Brooke doesn’t have much practice orating, because she knows it’s impolite to speak with your mouth full.

(Ironic, since, all things considered, you’d think she’d have a cocky attitude–and the last name Dixon.)

Then again, Tessmacher was able to convey the message “Doc, I’d like as much implant juice in my butt as you put in my boobs.”

I happen to be a Coolie Connoisseur, so believe me when I tell you Brooke’s behind is about as natural as braces on an aardvark. That fanny is so plastic, when she breaks wind, it sounds like someone enthusiastically clapping while wearing boxing gloves.

In other words, her crack is not all it’s cracked up to be. Why, I bet, if she sat on a pin, the propulsion of the silicone sack exploding would rocket Hydraulic Heiney into the next room–and I personally volunteer to prick Tess’s tush to make my point. Sure, I may feel some joint stiffness in the process, but that’s the kind of sacrifice I make as a Hall Of Fame journalist.

What’s that? I should lay off Tess, and owe her an apology? Well, since the “I’m going to insincerely ‘apologize’ by further ripping on you” routine is apparently considered the ultimate in sports entertainment–judging by the 42 times the angle has been run on TV over the past 14 months–I not only extend a throbbing olive branch in Brooke’s direction, but beg for mercy with regard to the following topics as well.

*I’m sorry for failing to use the term “superstar” to describe some greenhorn with no following, experience before the cameras or prior exposure beyond the local level. And since someone debuting is already a “superstar,” it’s only fitting that those with a few years on TV and notoriety should henceforth be referred to as “ultracomets” and “megasupernovas” (although I can think of a few who more closely resemble black holes.)

*I’ve been known to say how embarrassing it is when the WWE discovers something that was the Hot New Thing years before, and exposes how behind-the-curve they are by hard-selling it on TV and WWE.com. How dare me!

Okay, so they repeatedly used “get jiggy with it” on the December 12, 2011 Raw. It’s only been a decade or two since that hardcore hip-hopper Will Smith popularized the not-new phrase in the mainstream by using it as a song title. That doesn’t make them any less hip than, say, a man wearing a ponytail this century.

*I’d like to apologize for suggesting idiotic booking decisions ever occur. Former champ, monster and top-tier challenger Samoa Joe losing match after match (while dynamic Crimson barely falters) is pure genius. That way, if he ever does get a noteworthy victory, it will have so much more wow factor. I recommend Joe lose by tap-out in each match for a few months. This stroke of booking brilliance will then allow them to market all kinds of merchandise emblazoned with “Samoan Submitting Machine.”

*I hang my head in shame for going through all the trouble of looking in the dictionary before name-branding a person or group. Silly me–and the Random House Webster’s Dictionary–said book’s sole definition of “diva” being “a prima donna,” then defined as “a vain temperamental person.”

Thankfully, wrestling has taught me the error of my ways. Therefore, please be advised, when newspapers refer to Madonna, Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey and the like as “divas,” they are not calling the women demanding high-maintenance bitches, but rather complimenting them for being “smart, strong and sexy”!

*CM Punk obediently opened a Twitter account, and I, for some crazy reason, thought that was just another example of Mr. Anti-Establishment once again being a corporate lackey–until the megasupernova explained it was a satire. Ah, that makes perfect sense. In hindsight, my face is a crimson mask of blushitude.

So, let me be sure I’ve got this straight, CM. If an editor orders me to bury, for example, a Chicago-based, thin-skinned hypocrite who is nothing but a constantly alibi-ing sell-out (no names, please), and I, like a good lapdog, follow those orders to the letter even though they thoroughly contradict my own established opinion, that’s fine, because suddenly I’m a satirist, not some BSing fraud who never stops rationalizing.

Wow, Punk, you really are “making the WWE fun again”!!!