SS56—Mat This ‘n’ That/I’m Back, Jack

To the tearful dismay of the masses, it’s been quite some time since Wrestling’s Only Unbiased Columnist posted a fresh Stately States.  Rejoice, girls and buoys, I have returned, to once again be The Rage Of The Digital Page.

I was going to continue last column’s theme, explaining how self-described “REAL Wrestling Fans” are less useful than sunscreen on a scuba diver, and such imbeciles they think a salad bar is where lettuce goes to get drunk and fishcake is what they serve on birthdays at Sea World.

But since there’s so much to cover, I’m going to opt for something I used to do in my Power Slam column, stringing together brief thoughts on recent developments.

For the unaware, PS was published in England from 1994 to 2014, I being the only member of the writing staff onboard for the full 20 years, penning Manor’s Mat Musings.   This is not to be confused with the newish UK mag wherein Mat Musings was STOLEN, its far-inferior author and gutless publisher rudely ignoring my inquiries about the blatant rip-off—twice.

Musings logo MINE

Accept no substitutes.

First, a quick quiz:

Who are The. Worst. Fans. Ever?  You make the call.

A.  Doesn’t live-tweet a single sporting event the rest of the week but will do so when a certain wrestling show is in progress to “subtly” prove he’s not watching it.

B,  Constantly opines “The WWE’s current product is abysmal,” brings it up daily, then one day casually notes “I haven’t watched it in ten years.”  (Probably lying, anyway.) 

C,  The malcontent who rips on WWE non-stop but has a podcast or YouTube show solely dependent upon viewing content on—where else?—the WWE Network.

Now, onto the ramblings.

If Chris Jericho came down the aisle with Ralphus now, could anyone tell them apart?  Defeating Jerko in that champagne pool match has done wonders for Orange Julius, er, Cassidy.  Now when they say “He sells a lot of T-shirts,” it means he’s working at the merch table….Where are all the “Ronda didn’t pay any dues” moaners when it comes to Dominik Mysterio?  I’m waiting for Rey’s daughter to begin wrestling so I can claim “She moves in Mysterio ways.”  Because I’m a freaking genius….The makeover has exposed that Ruby is much hotter than Sasha WHO IS MARRIED AND WILL NEVER GET WITH YOU, SO QUIT DROOLING OVER HER, LOSER….Must be exciting being a fresh team in AEW.  You get the biggest hype imaginable, for four straight weeks—before losing to the Bucks and getting relegated to midcard limbo.  Which has happened to EVERY SINGLE TEAM.

Let me see if I have all this straight.  Certain championship matches every few months require a contract signing but all the other matches don’t.  Those in certain sensitive circles get upset when someone uses “IWC” to describe them.  All the while calling themselves the Wrestling Community.  Which is what the “WC” in “IWC” represents.  Tony Khan’d playing a rich creep on “purchased” Impact time does not contradict the whole “He will never play a character on television” because it’s on Impact rather than Dynamite.  And people gleefully paid to see Joey Ryan have others fondle his junk (and encouraged more of such antics) yet allegedly never suspected the man is a little odd.  Enablers turned virtue signalers sure like to play dumb.

face palm MONTAGE VVVG

Isn’t it odd how Zelina Vega never expressed a single care about a wrestlers’ union until she got fired?  Weird coincidence, huh?…It says a lot about fraud Josh Matthews when being replaced by Matt Striker is considered an upgrade…. Reby Hardy has many important connections.  Perhaps one day she’ll introduce Matt to hair conditioner….I hear Shayna Baszler is determined to lick every woman in the WWE locker room.  Even if it means hopping on them in the showers!  Some aren’t going to take that lying down….Did you know, on Halloween 2019, Micro Stunt trick-or-treated in a suit of armor, but people kept mistaking him for a fire hydrant?…Unconfirmed, but I’m hearing reports that there was one 24-hour period in which Jim Ross didn’t release a public statement concerning the opinion or history of Jim Ross….Gary Heltz of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, will be missing 205 Live next week.  There goes half their viewership.

All these weeks with Smackdown not having a live audience.  A shame they didn’t also go without a live color commentator….Ever notice Tom Phillips has the same initials as “toilet paper”?  That may be why Samoa Joe told me Phillips is an asswipe….The Grizzled Young Veterans keep the company’s streak going—the streak of Worst Ring Names Ever.  Empress Of Tomorrow, Forgotten Sons, Genius Of The Sky, Archer Of Infamy, Authors Of Pain:  Will whichever comic-book nerd who came up with this dross please explain to me how an era can be “undisputed”?… Mia Jax yells “My hole,” and is instantly transformed into the darling of the IWC—who had ripped her mercilessly since about nine minutes after her debut.  Then again, for 83 percent of those gits, it was the first—and last—time they ever heard a woman reference an orifice below the waist….”Elimination Chamber” sounds like something NASA came up with to name a space station toilet.

If you’re wondering where Jimmy Uso has been, he’s opened a driving school with Jeff Hardy and Nick Hogan.  Putting the “high” in “highway”….I’m delighted to see Naomi’s back.  She looks great from that angle….Hearing rumors about an all- Lana-fan cable channel.  Instead of “television,” it’s going to be called “Incelevision”….Taz’s “wearing shades inside” thing is really cool—if it’s 1967 and you’re the lead singer of Steppenwolf….I am looking forward to the Impact episode in which Tommy Dreamer performs a teary retirement speech.  I bet it will be better than the 47 he’s done before.

Okay, that’s enough.

If you love this column, signify by purchasing two cups at https://ko-fi.com/manormania

If you hate this column, signify by purchasing three cups at https://ko-fi.com/manormania

…although you’re probably too cheap to do either.

SS52—Official New Rules For Wrestling-Related Social Media

Examine the statistics any night there is a broadcast or PPV, and one topic thoroughly dominates the Trending charts—professional wrestling.  To bring some organization and decorum to the scene, the Federal Communications Commission assigned me to catalog the Official New Rules For Wrestling-Related Social Media.

They are, in no order of priority, as follows.

Rule #1—Remind us daily:

a) How you don’t watch the WWE—but it’s “trash,” which you know because, um….

Not to be confused with Person Who Claims They Never Watch The WWE–or Person Who Says They Only Watch Vintage Wrestling–yet very accurately cranks out 122 tweets per week about current WWE roster stars, who is and isn’t good on the mic, the latest storylines, etc.

b) There are many options nowadays. None of us is bright enough to have figured this out yet.

c) Vince McMahon is senile, when there’s one stinker of a match, but ignore the claim when wrestlers you like go over, e.g. all the fan faves winning straps at Wrestlemania 35.

Rule #2—Behave as though you “have to” watch a show as it airs live.

The world is breathlessly awaiting your expert critique, entire continents populated by those on the edge of their seats in anticipation of your every thought.

Oh, the sleepless night all will have if you opt to wait until tomorrow to enlighten the unwashed masses.  This is especially true of the show’s performers, each deeply concerned about earning your approval and absorbing your advice regarding what they can improve upon.

“Oh, no, Denver Danny says my moonsault “looked weak.”  That does it. I’m cancelling all my bookings and returning to the training center for three months. Thanks, Danny, for saving my twelve-year career.”

This rule is triple-important for those who have an ocean between them and the event site.  You being up until 4 a.m. local time is providing an invaluable service to the dozen of your countrymen who just watched the same show.

Rule #3—Start or join a Closed Facebook Group so you can ridicule everyone associated with the business on a site they can’t actually see, and thus you can still suck up to them publicly and also not be afraid they’ll tune you up.

Rule #4—It is silly to wait until the follow-up show after a dramatic angle, before condemning the booking decision.

It isn’t as though they book these things with any thought given to what comes next.  Or a “screwed” wrestler has ever been positioned for a major victory on an even bigger card.

In your infinite wisdom, you KNOW exactly how everything is going to play out and that it is going to “suck.”  May as well pounce all over it now.  After all, you’ve never been wrong jumping to a conclusion.

(Hey, remember how you peed all over the intro of the 24/7 belt?)

Rule #5—If your illegal stream of a PPV event is acting up, by all means gripe about it online. Crashes altogether? Can always go back to brag-posting about how much you support the promotion.

 Rule #6—Quarter-star ratings are vital.  No doubt you can thoroughly explain the difference between a 2 ½ and 2 ¾ star match, right?

Rule #7—Should RAW ratings continue to sputter, blame Mr. McMahon, not Teflon Paul Heyman, claiming the former Mr. Dangerously has his hands tied.  Should RAW prosper, “Heyman proves once again he’s a genius.”  It’s not like Vince had a say in hiring him, or anything.

Rule #8–Television ratings and buyrates make matches, angles, promos, vignettes, finishers and commentary good.  Keep harping on them!

Rule #9–Proudly fill your Profile bio with a list of wrestling personalities who have Blocked you.

Out of the millions online, these celebrities selected YOU to single out (as an asshole.)  Congratulations (dickhead)!  It takes a special breed (of jerkoff) to offend someone who forgot your fake name with ten seconds. I bet some of the other seventh-graders think you’re super-cool, bro!

Rule #10–CHOOSE SIDES.  Do you prefer AEW?  WWE?  Japanese?  All-Women promotions?  Small-scale indies?  Or maybe a rising British federation?  In that case, consider all other companies and their fans “the enemy” and, of course, “wrong.”

Why should anyone enjoy wrestling that’s not your favorite?  Gentle persuasion never succeeded as a method to educate fools to the error of their ways.  Shouting at total strangers, harshly mocking every misstep “the opposition” performs but ignoring when your team does the exact same thing—that’s what being “a REAL fan” is all about.

Who knows, maybe someday, out of recognition of your tireless efforts, one member of an undercard tag team will wave back at you as he leaves the arena!

You can’t half-ass this, though.  When you see some loser in the shirt of a “rival” company, briskly slap him or her right in the face.  Drop a couple hundred on a front-row ticket to “invade” an enemy’s TV or PPV and disrupt the mindless-sheep fans by chanting the name of your superior promotion.  And who not get a huge neck tattoo of the latter’s logo?

Being a hardcore loyalist who very vocally and publicly sneers at and derides other promotions always pays off, never backfires.  Just ask those who were meta-fans of ECW and WCW!

Rule #11–Butt into convos of noted wrestling reporters to name-call either them or people disagreeing with them, adding nothing to the debate itself.

Rule #12—Continue to sign up for services that create hundreds or even thousands of “Followers.”  No one can click on your Follower list and see 472 accounts that don’t even tweet in English or ever post anything about the one subject you obsess over.  Probably just a technical glitch, the way you have 7419 Followers yet your live tweets and general opinions average three Likes each.

Rule #13—Retweet the videos of that mentally challenged juggalo untrained “stunt man” legitimately hurting himself for approval. Ditto harsh neck bumps, dives from insane heights that disastrously misfire, and apron bumps.  Only a snowflake thinks those seen in these clips are human beings.

Rule #14—Quote-tweet EVERY time someone compliments you.  Extra credit for calling them “sir” when adding a butt-munch “thank you” line.

Rule #15—Write off anything with “Wrestling has evolved.”

Big deal, you don’t understand the difference between “evolved” and “changed” and how one is subjective and therefore debatable.  All the other “knowing fans” are using the phrase to alibi for their pets.  And that’s good enough for you, Buckaroo!

Rule #16—If you run a “news site,” feel free to fabricate allegations and outright lies, to add a seamy layer to any story.

Wrestler A no-shows an indie date?  It couldn’t possibly be transportation trouble, illness, or the promoter reneging on the agreed-upon appearance fee.  Nope, A is back on drugs.

Wrestler B asks for September off?  It’s not that she’s getting married and moving into a new home in another country that month.  Naaah, she hates her lack of a title shot.

Tag team C turns down the first re-signing offer they’re given, four months before their current contract expires?  That’s not a smooth negotiating tactic to get a better offer.  They are counting the days until they can leave for Japan.

You can also opt to “balance out” the nabobs of negativity by establishing a nice friendly bootlicking news account instead.  Just scan the web for the most popular opinions—even if they are harebrained—and mix in some editorial asides with your news updates.

“My dream match is POC vs Walter.”

“Rey Misterio is Mexico’s most beloved luchadore ever.”

“There has never been a wrestler with more natural charisma than Kenny Omega.”

Don’t forget the occasional pretend-bravery keester kiss.

“This may ruffle some feathers, but I’m okay with Ronda Rousey being gone.”

“Unpopular opinion:  Baron Corbin’s big push has run its course.”

“You may not agree, but I say Samoa Joe would look good with the Universal championship around his waist.”

It’s okay to sprinkle in these gutsy, provocative prose once in a while.  Controversy Creates Clicks.

Rule #17—Here’s a slick trick.  When a mutual or fellow FB group member posts something extremely clever or astute, give it a minor tweak then tweet it as your own when applicable in a week or two.  Granted, the irate originator will think you’re an a-hole (and be right.)  But you got over, and that’s all that matters.

Let’s be honest:  The number-one priority of two-thirds in the “Wrestling Community” is to push themselves; discussing the matches and so forth, a very distant second.  Screwing one person to impress thousands is a no-brainer.

 

ADDITIONAL RULES FOR CELEBRITIES

Rule #C1 —Tweet pandering questions you have neither genuine interest in nor intention of reading responses to.

“Who drank water today?”

“What do you think of inhaling oxygen?”

“Who’s having a birthday in the next twelve months?”

And don’t forget the motivational speaker/philosopher routine.

“If you really want something bad enough, think about others who also share that desire. Striving for goodness will amplify your journey, like salmon swimming upstream.”

Rule #C2 —It’s REALLY important the world knows you are in love.  Posts scads of pix of you and your sweetie, destroying any tenuous fantasy of availability that’s paramount to your appeal to millions of fans.

Sure, your merch sales will go in the toilet and the heartbroken will sit on their hands during your matches.  But you have a soulmate who will be by your side FOREVER (or until March 31st, whichever comes first.)

Rule #C3—Heels, tweet or IG about taking orphans to the zoo, rescuing puppies from floods, etc.

Additionally, heels or faces, if your Twitter gets hot doing shtick in-character, be sure to post incessantly.  NO WAY will you run out of steam and fresh ideas within four weeks.

Rule #C4—Quote-tweet reply, acting all bubbly with fellow stars, while never ever responding to sincere questions or replies from average Joes.  Reminding people “There’s a clique, and you ain’t in it” won’t alienate a soul.

 

SS44—Manor On (Social) Media: You guys are GREAT!

With my Follower total resetting to zero when it hit 70 million, there’s no debating @SWManor is the most popular Twitter account that (sometimes) includes wrestling-related posts.  Consequently, I am constantly flooded with genius-level opinions regarding the King Of Sports.  This time out I will examine the most common of those incredibly astute communications.

 

“RAW and Smackdown are in huge financial trouble.  Look at this picture of all the empty seats in the arena the telecast is coming from tonight.”

Always trust “empty seat” photos posted online, even though the person taking the picture fails to mention it was shot an hour before the show started.  The billion-dollar WWE with two major television outlets currently bidding hundreds of millions for their broadcast rights is in dire financial condition!  I’m selling all my WWE stock right this minute!!!

 

“Chris Benoit should go in the Hall Of Fame.  After all, it’s been ten years and he was never convicted of any crime.”

Right you are, MENSA member.  Let’s take it a step further and also add Adolph Hitler to the Celebrity Wing.  It’s been over seventy years and the Fuhrer never stood trial or was even arrested!

Quite a shame Chuckling Charlie Manson croaked.  His induction speech for ol’ Adolph would have totally ruled, dude.

 

“So awesome seeing all the guys in Bullet Club shirts on WWE TV.”

Yes, these rugged individualists all dressed alike are really sticking it to the WWE by buying those $250 ringside seats then going home to watch good wrestling on the Network.  Right on, brother.  Fight the power!

 

“Now that Dixie Carter is gone, I’m going to give Impact another chance.”

Wow, that is so incredibly kind of you.  The promotion you sneered at for the past ten years while claiming to never watch it—yet being familiar with Bobby Roode, EC3, Eric Young, the Broken gimmick, etc the moment they arrived in NXT/WWE—is going to be blessed with your impartial eyes analyzing the product.  I’m immediately going to phone Scott D’Amore to ensure he sends you a “Thank You” card along with one addressed to your mother, for bringing you into this world.

(Your biological father will get one, too—if he’s ever identified.)

 

“It’s okay.  I’m a heel fan.”

I’ll say you are, buddy!  Don’t be so humble.  You are among the biggest “heel fans” in all of wrestling.*

Can you believe some snowflake SJW buzzkills think that buying a ticket means you are a spectator and not a participant in an event?  Losers.  But, anyway….

The way perfectly chiseled Hercules-lookalike you called that person actually in the business “a fat pig”…I-I-I am nearly at a loss for words, so awestruck by the profundity, originality and jaw-dropping cleverness of your material (…even if it bore no resemblance to something anyone who grasped heeling would say or do.)

And, oh my word, the way you yelled “You slut” at a woman you know nothing about—which, come to think of it, is exactly how much you know about any woman—is pure gold.

But why limit it to shouting from a crowd several feet away?  I say take the next step: wait for a female wrestler in the parking lot, get face-to-face with her while she’s with some of the male wrestlers or her husband, and go “Hey, whore, blow me.”  I can absolutely promise you’ll get an enthusiastic pat on the back and be declared KING of all “heel fans.”*

[*presuming “heel fans” is synonymous with “assholes”…which it is.]

 

“All In 2018 is going to be off the hook!!!”

You know it, baby.  Even though you don’t know minor details like the lineup or if you’ll in fact be able to watch it if not in attendance, it’s going to be lit (since it’s indoors and at night.)  Imagine that—shooting to fill a 10,000-seat venue.  From what I understand, that’s never been done before by any promotion ever. Too sweet me, bro!!!

All In Pee Wee

 

“_____ should go to Japan where he’d be more appreciated.

Yep.  Wrestling promotions are like social clubs.  Much like you decide to choose a AAA membership for safe motoring, a grappler picks out a promotion, then “joins” NJPW, Progress, Chikara Pro, Impact Wrestling, ICW, Ring Of Honor or whatever else tickles his fancy at the moment.  Any contract he has inked with his current employer can be casually torn up.  It’s only a piece of paper, right?

As TV has taught us, two people sign documents, one turns over the table, then a pull-apart brawl ensues.  Clearly, contracts are just for show and aren’t legally binding or anything.

Also, once a wrestler “joins” another league, he’s instantly installed in a top-tier program to illustrate he’s “more appreciated” than in the past.  This happens every single time, explaining why Samoa Joe and Sami Zayn immediately main-evented on the WWE main roster upon leaving ROH, and have each held multiple WWE titles.

 

“I hate it how he’s being shoved down our throats.”

I know, right?  Every Monday night, here he is being featured for like twenty minutes per episode, doing basically the same thing, since he got his singles push.  Never puts anyone over unless it’s a total fluke or distraction finish.  His “technical ability” is a joke, having maybe five moves.  And how many times do we have to watch him face Brock Lesnar?

Yeah, Braun Strowman needs to go.

 

“I can’t wait to see this indy match featuring Tenille Dashwood!”

It was sooooo unfair of the WWE to cut the historic pioneer of the groundbreaking Women’s Revolution, what with the eardrum-shattering reception Emma was getting upon every entrance and the remarkable way she pulled off the Emmalina makeover.  And who among us does not have a DVR stuffed with her breathtaking matches in NXT and the WWE?  In all honesty, I can’t decide whether the martyred master technician should be called “the modern-day Manami” or “the female Thesz”.

Here’s hoping you enjoy the event.  No doubt Tenille will steal the show.  Especially if it’s held in a Walmart.

 

“We know that everyone hates Roman Reigns.”

Blanket statements with nothing to back them up are very insightful and highly encouraged.  Opinions, facts—pfffft, the same thing.

And by all means use “we,” since you personally are the spokesperson for every single fan across the globe.  Additionally, even though you are the only person manning it, you should use plurals such as “we” and “us” on your site/account to create the illusion you have friends. Not the Facebook kind; but rather people who wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen in public with you (if you can imagine that.)

Also, feel free to constantly refer to “our sources.” It’s a lot easier than typing “something Dave Meltzer or PWInsider posted and I’m just copying so it looks like I get info from someone inside even though the closest I’ve ever come to the industry is once seeing Mikey from the Spirit Squad pulling out of a KFC lot.”


“@VinceMcMahon”

Utter brilliance.  I am certain that, after every PPV and TV broadcast, Vince’s immediate priority is to check his Twitter feed and take fastidious notes regarding what wrestling fans want.  The following morning, he has a meeting with his entire staff, outlining demands made by @smark4life et al, and ordering them to be implemented at once.  That evening, Vince goes through the timelines of each of his two million Followers, hoping the changes met with their approval.

Vince laughing GIF

The Chairman contemplating fans’ advice

“Ronda Rousey doesn’t deserve to just walk in and get on Wrestlemania.”

Yeah, look at all the Sports Illustrated spreads, multi-million-dollar-grossing PPVs and Olympic medals Sasha Banks had on her resume before she got to the WWE.  And who’s more of a worldwide household name than “the girl who’s Snoop Dogg’s cousin”?

You were right in criticizing Ronda’s initial promo, too.  I’m sure those badmouthing Rousey could—on their very first speech in a pro wrestling ring, live, in front of millions watching in the arena and at home—knock it clean out of the park.  Especially reciting a memorized scripted promo rather than speaking in their own words.

 

“Finn Balor should have won Elimination Chamber then the Universal Championship at Wrestlemania.”

So true. Mr. McMahon is very fond of smaller guys, particularly men in whom he invests a fortune in time and money then get injured right after the Chairman puts the big strap on them.  Why, he even makes them powerless figurehead GMs after they are forced to retire.