When the Commissioner Of Wrestling, the late and universally liked Harry White, passed away, I pledged to take up some of his duties, as he was a great admirer of the original “Stately States.” This was a responsibility I took very seriously.
Although many have kicked around the idea for years, I have decided it is time to draw up an official Test To Determine Who Is Permitted To Be A Wrestling Fan.
Of course, promoters don’t want to go out of business: so, there won’t be any requirements along the lines of an IQ over 50 or male fans grooming. Let’s not get carried away.
Instead, I devised a simple True Or False test that should only take a minute or two to complete. And I wrote it at a fourth-grade reading level so that the typical not-too-bright fan can comprehend the questions.
Answers are provided below.
True or false…
- If you pay for a ticket, you have the right to do anything you please, damn it!
- Hardcore wrestling is an art form,
- Secretly, you’re glad Roman Reigns got sick, because he sucked and was being shoved down your throat.
- Chris Benoit belongs in the WWE Hall Of Fame.
- Most of my T-shirts have some sort of wrestling artwork on them.
- All of my T-shirts have some sort of wrestling artwork on them.
- You cancelled the WWE Network over the second Crown Jewel event. 7b. Made certain everyone knows you quit watching WWE altogether, by being sure to post an announcement online.
- Your Twitter handle or Profile includes “heel”, “smark”, “mark”, “WOKEN” and/or #TooSweet, or contains “@WWE” even though you’re not a WWE employee, or is comprised of a combination of two grapplers’ names (e.g. SashaNaito13).
- Hot or not, you would never go out with someone who isn’t a dedicated wrestling fan, baby!
- Saw a “botch” GIF and expertly explained how the bump should have been taken.
- Hey, have you ever agreed that Kenny Omega or another guy or a promotion is great, and you weren’t really familiar with them but didn’t want to look dumb? We’ve all done that, right? LOL
- A world champion needs to wrestle on all or nearly all of his brand’s TV shows.
- Asuka has had a terrible 2018.
- Having dozens of action figures makes you pretty freakin’ cool and the envy of others.
- Promoters should do their utmost to provide a loaded card.
- If you ever/have kids, they will be/are named after favorite wrestlers.
Be advised, you need a perfect score to qualify to be a wrestling fan!
Key: The correct answer to all questions is “False” unless noted otherwise. Consequently, the individual comments below pertain to those who answered “True.”
- A ticket purchase entitles you to be a spectator, not a participant. Shut up and sit down, instant test–and life–failure.
- Hardcore = retardcore. Any slob can light himself on fire and dive onto a table wrapped in barbed wire. You should try it sometime.
- May your next pizza contain a secret topping—malaria.
- True. Much too much attention is paid to what wrestlers do outside the ring, most of it strictly hearsay. (Did anyone actually see Chris kill himself and his family?)
Do you go to wrestling cards and watch the TV shows to get etiquette lessons, moral guidance, spiritual advice and similar useless crap? Of course not. You follow the sport to see someone get slapped silly from LA to Philly. Heck, people murder their families all the time. Snowflakes act like there’s something wrong with that. Pfffft.
- True. Spend, spend, spend, friend!
- Get a death, loser.
- If you were so outraged about Arabian politics, how come you didn’t cancel before the first Crown Jewel? Hmmmm? 7b. Nobody likes an attention whore. Actually, nobody likes you anyway. Lick a fire hydrant ASAP
- May an ejected toilet flush from a space station crash through your roof and land squarely in your mouth as you sleep.
- I would rather allow a flea-ridden Armenian zombie pickpocket with a loud cough and fatal flatulence into an arena than you.
- Go sand the zits off your back, windbag. The closest you’ve ever come to taking a bump is when the school bully slammed you into a locker and broke your clarinet.
- Wrong. You are a fraud and still look dumb…and ugly.
- Did Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund and Hulk Hogan, three of the W/WWF/E’s longest-reigning champions, wrestle of TV every week? NO. When the Four Horsemen were running wild on WTBS, did Ric Flair wrestle every show? NO. Do you know anything about the history of the sport you claim to love? NO. Should you be allowed to be a fan? NO.
- Well, yeah, carrying an undefeated streak as Raw champ into Wrestlemania 34 on April 8th—meaning the most dominant wrestler of the entire first quarter of the year—ending 2018 by winning a battle royal then participating in the first-ever women’s TLC match for the SD championship…that must suck.
I bet every wrestler on the planet who didn’t get a WWE contract, undefeated streak, world championship and Wrestlemania booking while remaining injury-free—which is about 99.86 percent of all active wrestlers worldwide—is relieved he (or she) didn’t have such a “terrible” year!
- You play with dolls.
- True. Promoters are all billionaires who will gleefully dump an unlimited stream of money into their shows. After all, WRESTLING IS ALL ABOUT PLEASING YOU.
So what if the fee for top talent, refs, security, etc and the cost of the hall and ring rental, insurance, posters, flashy pyros and state-of-the-art lighting and sound system for a 500-seat venue with $20 tickets comes to 50 grand? That’s only a loss of 40 thou per show, provided it’s a sell-out.
And after the promotion folds, once or twice during the following decade, you can fondly reminisce about it. That’s all that really matters.
(A comical gnome from Atlantis with a shiny pirate’s chest full of doubloons and rubies will eventually come along and reimburse the promoter anyway.)
But if you don’t want to see the league crash, I suggest going into the locker room, standing on a chair and telling everyone they should work for free. Do this at the next event you attend. Don’t worry. It’s perfectly safe. When wrestlers apply for their license, they sign a form saying they won’t hit anyone.
- Seek professional help, sicko.
Becky Lynch is The Man!
Becky Lynch is The Man!
Becky Lynch is The Man!
Becky Lynch is The Man!
BECKY LYNCH IS THE MAN!
No, she isn’t.
I realize the vast majority of you have never spoken to a woman besides the bored girl at the Wendy’s drive-through window; but Becky has something called a “vagina” (google it) and thus can’t be a man.
I should know, the way she’s been throwing herself at me for the past four years. Not that I can blame her, since there are no real men among her followers.
You see, bubbleheads, what most of you “experts” don’t know is that all the top wrestlers from the British Isles, including Bimbo Becky, Drew McIntyre, Grado, PAC, Sheamus, Jimmy Havoc, Drake Maverick, Paige, Marty Scurll, Katrina Waters and Finn Balor, all grew up reading England’s Power Slam magazine, for which I am the ONLY writer to appear in every issue. As such, every man in the UK wants to be like me and every woman wants me.
Between my legendary 1985-2001 Wrestling World run and the additional twenty straight years in Power Slam, there’s no question SW Manor is the most influential journalist in wrestling history.
I’m just not one to brag.
“B-b-but saying she’s ‘The Man’ is a strong statement about gender equality.”
Meh, something they cooked up after realizing how moronic “The Man” sounds.
Calling oneself “The Man” as an expression of being the most over of either sex—as apologists claim—clearly suggests being a man is superior to being a woman. And although it’s true, what kind of cockeyed “feminist” statement is that?
Raunchy Rebecca, as I call her–you know, the chick you claimed was “buried” four months ago—will drop her strap to another broad, and you bandwagon-jumpers will dump her quicker than Snoop Dogg can roll a joint.
Truth of the matter is, she loves being on her back. At least around me, heh heh heh.