As Wrestling’s Most Popular Journalist, I am constantly deluged with questions via e-mail, Tweets, DMs, snail mail, phone calls, telegrams, smoke signals and people on the street. But rather than ramble on with an extended intro, let’s jump right into my replies, shall we?
Q: My mom and I both love Corey Graves. Why do you think that is?
A: Stupidity is hereditary.
Q: How weird is R-Truth in real life?
A: He once spent a whole day spell-checking alphabet soup.
Q: I know there are terms such as “Strong Style.” But what’s the one for working really clumsily and dangerous to your opponents?
A: Brie Mode
Q: What’s your opinion of the expression “smart fans”?
A: Biggest contradiction in terms since “tight slacks.”
Q: I want to be a professional wrestling journalist. Did you enjoy the printout of the article I sent you?
A: My parakeet sure did. In fact, he “edited” it a few times—since I used it to line his cage.
Q: Do you agree with my contention NXT should be on an hour of RAW instead of WWE wrestlers?
A: You mean the network that gave up on Smackdown with established international stars should present the promotion filled with names virtually unknown to the majority of the global audience and who only are on live TV seasonally, on extremely rehearsed Takeover specials, as opposed to their regular taped weekly shows with botches and promo bloopers edited out?
The group that, on numerous weeks, isn’t even the most-watched show on the WWE’s own Network?
Then again, you may be right. It’s not like the USA Network exists to turn a profit by generating ad revenue based on billing sponsors attracted to the number of viewers who will see their ads. TV networks exist SOLELY TO MAKE YOU HAPPY!
Also, Santa is going to bring you a magical unicorn on your birthday, one that poops gold nuggets and can fly you by an enchanted forest where they are filming the next Star Wars—starring you!!!
Q: Which version of The Undertaker do you prefer?
A: The one that’s off TV screens for months at a time.
Q: Is it true Lady Scarlett is a total slut? She looks like the kind of girl who gives blowjobs for five bucks?
A: Isn’t that how your parents met?
Q: As popular as you are, how come I never see you at wrestling fan gatherings?
A: Because they are attended by wrestling fans!
Woowee, what a stench. You’d think having no life would give wearers of Austin 3:16, NWO and Bullet Club shirts plenty of time to hit a laundromat once in a while. Evidently, this has never crossed their minds, the same way deodorant has never crossed their armpits.
Besides polishing the porpoises while drooling over a Lana poster, it’s difficult to imagine how fans’ clothing gets so sweaty. It most certainly isn’t from hitting the gym, as the most exercise these slobs ever get is standing in line at Dairy Queen.
And that breath! What do you people do, gargle with salmon?
Q: How do you think Seth Rollins measures up with the other members of the WWE roster?
A: Have you not seen his leaked selfies?
Q: How comes the WWE ruins everyone who gets moved to the main roster?
A: I was thinking the very same thing while watching NXT alumni The Shield in that Labor Day huge brawl with NXT alumnus Braun Strowman and NXT alumnus Drew McIntyre, jumped into by NXT alumnus Kevin Owens, immediately after Braun faced NXT alumnus Finn Balor in the main event.
In fact, it still bugged me the next night while watching SDLive—where NXT alumnus Shinsuke Nakamura is world champ—and distracted me from the feud between NXT alumnus Becky Lynch and NXT alumnus Charlotte Flair, vying for the women’s title previously held by NXT alumnus Carmella.
It was also heartbreaking to reflect on how much NXT alumnus Daniel Bryan has been misused since his 2010 call-up, as he was ridiculed by developmental league alumnus The Miz, his fellow Grand Slam Championship winner. (IC, US, tag and world championship.)
So, yeah, it realllly sucks getting stuck on the main roster.
Q Me and my friends have a really lit backyard wrestling federation. What should we do to improve it?
A: Be sure your props and fake ring are also “really lit”…on fire.
Q: What do you think of Tommaso Ciampa?
A: The only way Blackheart could repulse NXT fans any more than he already has would be to show them what a vagina looks like.
Q: Do you hold something against Alexis Bliss?
A: No, but I’d like to.
I’m certain, if Alexa leaned on me for support, she would immediately notice how I’ve risen to the occasion. Sure, she’d find it very hard; but Alexa would eventually come around and no doubt occasionally ask me to take her back.
Q: I say Japanese wrestling is the best ever. Don’t you agree?
A: Please enchant me with your vast knowledge of the history of Japanese wrestling, geek who never heard of Rikidozen, Sayama, Misawa, Fujiwara, Fujinami, Choshu or any other Rising Sun legend not seen on the streaming service during the past three years. I anxiously await your “hot takes” on Black Tiger, Hase, Dan Kroffat and Sasaki, as well as your expert analysis of the 1987 Bigelow/Inoki feud.
And since “best ever” includes promotions worldwide, I am tingling in anticipation over you explaining who was better, Lizmark or Atlantis.
Q: Your early 2018 GIFs demonstrated you are the true master of the craft. Do you have one for the Chris Jericho Cruise?
Q: How do you rate Renee Young on her new job?
A: Here’s a list of what Renee contributes to the RAW announce team:
Q: Why did AJ Styles seem so nervous in late September?
A: He knew he had to fly to Australia for the Super-Show, and was afraid of coming that close to the edge of the world.
Q: I’m 5’9 and 175 pounds. Do you think I can go to the WWE?
A: Sure…tickets are available to everyone.
Q: These jobbers are such fools. Who in their right mind makes a living lying on their back staring at the ceiling every night?
A: Your sister.
Q: I think Allie from Impact is beautiful and want to meet her. Who do I need to see?
A: An optometrist!!!
Q: Stephanie McMahon fills many roles. What position do you most like her in?
Q; Who is the dumbest person in wrestling?
A: Hmmm, tough one. You choose.
*Zack Sabre Junior thought he’d get a Pepsi if he heated baking soda in an oven.
*Jimmy Uso brought his baseball glove to the Superbowl.
*Johnny Gargano didn’t like Black Panther, so he watched it four more times, hoping it would end differently.
*Tom Phillips went up to the cashier at the Beer Mart and asked “How many cans are in a six-pack?”
*Dalton Castle keeps quiet around sleeping pills because he doesn’t want to wake them.
*Eddie Edwards tucks his umbrella beneath his jacket during storms “so it doesn’t get all soaked.”
*Dana Brooke thinks custard was named after the general killed at Little Big Horn.
Q: Sabu is mean on Twitter. He wouldn’t answer my one question. What do you make of that?