Professional wrestling has long had its own language and codes—and it appears that wrestling fans have followed suit. If you are new to social media outlets covering wrestling (or even a veteran on the scene, for that matter), here is a glossary of common expressions, along with their REAL meanings.
*”S/he is better off staying in NXT.” Working for less money is a blast. That’s why I’m sticking to running the french-fryer instead of trying to be assistant manager at my Wendy’s job.
*”That balcony dive onto a burning table was awesome!!!” I pretend to “love” wrestlers, but couldn’t give a crap about the permanent damage they suffer. The only thing that matters is entertaining me.
*”Dave Meltzer doesn’t have any sources.” I, on the other hand, have loads of insider info I get by reading sites that copy their “news” directly from Dave Meltzer.
*”(Disliked person) is an old man.” I righteously make public stands against racism and sexism—primarily, to look cool. Ageism? I am fine with that…boomer.
*”MJF is a tremendous heel.” I define a heel as someone to cheer for because he’s fun and doesn’t really mean anything he says. A heel shouldn’t do anything that makes people hate them. In other words, I’m as clueless as a popsicle salesman in Antarctica.
*”I missed CM Punk.” I missed being conned by CM Punk, the multi-millionaire who sued his “best friend” and pretend-rebel who changed absolutely nothing about the business.
*”Impact Wrestling has been a joke for years.” I’ve never actually watched it, but I’ll cheer the hell out of the Lucha Brothers and LAX now that they’re with AEW. And, hey, that Eli Drake is the best talker on NWA Powerrr!
*”Ratings do matter to fans, because ratings are a barometer of the health of the industry.” I’m just repeating an excuse devised by someone smarter than me, while, in reality, I only care that my favorite promotion is “beating” their rival, so I can gloat about it. Also, the lower the RAW viewership, the better I feel. I’d like to see the WWE go out of business. Screw the 900 people losing their jobs.
*”The Attitude Era ruled!” Wasn’t watching WWE then.
*”The NWO was too sweeeet!” Wasn’t watching WCW then.
*”Rey Mysterio is the greatest luchador ever.” Never heard of Lizmark, Atlantis, Perro Aguayo, Dos Caras, Karloff Legarde, Santo, Blue Demon, etc. because they weren’t on Lucha Underground. [Thinks Triple-A is a roadside assistance service.]
*”50-50 booking sucks.” Everyone I like should never lose and all the wrestlers I hate should never win. Never mind that mean the only serious contenders will be other undefeated wrestlers, then one will have to lose in the end. Oh, wait.
[Closely related to…]
*It’s so unfair ____ is getting buried.” My favorite lost one televised match. I have no access to the long-term booking plans but will just shoot my mouth off like a spoiled brat.
*”I was only joking.” I totally wasn’t but am saying this because I got busted over something idiotic I earlier claimed.
*”The women should have been in the main event.” Maybe a real live girl will see this and LIKE ME! Then she’ll become my official girlfriend and and and I’ll finally get kissing by someone besides Grandma Jenkins. Whoa, all the other guys will think we’re actually “doing it”!!!
*”sports entertainers” My condescension for those who don’t have 352 moves and dives stolen from Mexico and Japan has no limit. But I’ll cheer a guy dressed as a dinosaur taking on an invisible man who kicked out after a hand grenade attack. That’s different. The dinosaur did a 450 twisting springboard tope makiwara off a 60-foot ladder.
*”Mauro is the greatest.” Shouting catchphrases and a long prepared list of pop culture and hip-hop references to get YOURSELF over is a play-by-play announcer’s role. Even though he vanity searches and calls detractors “troglodytes” and such, never ever call him names.
*”organic” A mega-pushed talent I like, otherwise I’d be whining about them being shoved down our throats—even though they are getting the same amount of airtime and high-profile matches as Roman Reigns did when he was being shoved down our throats.
*(female wrestler’s or commentator’s name) followed by heart and flames emojis. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, a new girl to drool over as I rub my wee-wee under the sheets each night! I’m going to tag her in Tweets and call her “Queen.” Don’t know what I’d do if she flirted back.
I mean that literally, since no woman has ever shown interest in my lard ass.
[Often followed by…]
*”(female wrestler) is so overrated.” My cream dream Blocked me on Twitter after my Tweet asking if she’d sell me her dirty panties.
*”_____ of all time.” (Most frequently used with lists such as The Top Ten Brawlers Of All Time.) Since I became a fan, because I’m too self-centered to recognize great things occurred before I got interested.
*”The @NWA has the most perfect show ever, #NWAPowerrr. @Billy and @Lagana are geniuses!!!!!! #IntoTheFire” I am desperately trying to get my name onscreen during the pre-show crawl of flattering posts. This is the only shot I’ll ever have of getting on TV, until my arrest for trying to have sex with a 14-year-old.
*”I met _____ and s/he is really cool.” I stood in line for twenty minutes to pay for an autograph, and s/he didn’t call me a sucker to my face during the three seconds it took to sign.
*”(Promotion) should sign (Wrestler X, Y and Z.)” I don’t even begin to comprehend how budgets work or care if a company turns a profit. I also have no comprehension of how time works, and thus demand these three and the existing 57 roster members get many minutes on a two-hour show.
*”outlaw mudshow” A rare few who actually understand what the expression means and its origin throw it around, so I will, also. Okay, I’m too lazy to research what it means. But, luckily, so are 98-percent of my fellow geeks impressing each other with our vast knowledge of insider terms. It’s like a signal to each other, saying “I’m cool and in the know, too, dude.”
*”Wrestling has evolved.” My all-purpose excuse for blowing off valid criticism from anyone over age 35. Somewhere around 2015, this big invisible ray from outer space completely changed human nature, so things like “good guy gets revenge on evildoer” no longer register with anyone.
[Often uttered while the latest superhero movie is grossing hundreds of millions.]
*According to Reddit user” “There’s a sucker born every minute” was never any more true than at the moment of my birth. Why not trust an anonymous individual with no credentials to validate any claim he makes?
*”I’ve watched 36 hours of wrestling so far this week.” My life is so empty, this is the one thing that stops me from crying myself to sleep.