Examine the statistics any night there is a broadcast or PPV, and one topic thoroughly dominates the Trending charts—professional wrestling. To bring some organization and decorum to the scene, the Federal Communications Commission assigned me to catalog the Official New Rules For Wrestling-Related Social Media.
They are, in no order of priority, as follows.
Rule #1—Remind us daily:
a) How you don’t watch the WWE—but it’s “trash,” which you know because, um….
Not to be confused with Person Who Claims They Never Watch The WWE–or Person Who Says They Only Watch Vintage Wrestling–yet very accurately cranks out 122 tweets per week about current WWE roster stars, who is and isn’t good on the mic, the latest storylines, etc.
b) There are many options nowadays. None of us is bright enough to have figured this out yet.
c) Vince McMahon is senile, when there’s one stinker of a match, but ignore the claim when wrestlers you like go over, e.g. all the fan faves winning straps at Wrestlemania 35.
Rule #2—Behave as though you “have to” watch a show as it airs live.
The world is breathlessly awaiting your expert critique, entire continents populated by those on the edge of their seats in anticipation of your every thought.
Oh, the sleepless night all will have if you opt to wait until tomorrow to enlighten the unwashed masses. This is especially true of the show’s performers, each deeply concerned about earning your approval and absorbing your advice regarding what they can improve upon.
“Oh, no, Denver Danny says my moonsault “looked weak.” That does it. I’m cancelling all my bookings and returning to the training center for three months. Thanks, Danny, for saving my twelve-year career.”
This rule is triple-important for those who have an ocean between them and the event site. You being up until 4 a.m. local time is providing an invaluable service to the dozen of your countrymen who just watched the same show.
Rule #3—Start or join a Closed Facebook Group so you can ridicule everyone associated with the business on a site they can’t actually see, and thus you can still suck up to them publicly and also not be afraid they’ll tune you up.
Rule #4—It is silly to wait until the follow-up show after a dramatic angle, before condemning the booking decision.
It isn’t as though they book these things with any thought given to what comes next. Or a “screwed” wrestler has ever been positioned for a major victory on an even bigger card.
In your infinite wisdom, you KNOW exactly how everything is going to play out and that it is going to “suck.” May as well pounce all over it now. After all, you’ve never been wrong jumping to a conclusion.
(Hey, remember how you peed all over the intro of the 24/7 belt?)
Rule #5—If your illegal stream of a PPV event is acting up, by all means gripe about it online. Crashes altogether? Can always go back to brag-posting about how much you support the promotion.
Rule #6—Quarter-star ratings are vital. No doubt you can thoroughly explain the difference between a 2 ½ and 2 ¾ star match, right?
Rule #7—Should RAW ratings continue to sputter, blame Mr. McMahon, not Teflon Paul Heyman, claiming the former Mr. Dangerously has his hands tied. Should RAW prosper, “Heyman proves once again he’s a genius.” It’s not like Vince had a say in hiring him, or anything.
Rule #8–Television ratings and buyrates make matches, angles, promos, vignettes, finishers and commentary good. Keep harping on them!
Rule #9–Proudly fill your Profile bio with a list of wrestling personalities who have Blocked you.
Out of the millions online, these celebrities selected YOU to single out (as an asshole.) Congratulations (dickhead)! It takes a special breed (of jerkoff) to offend someone who forgot your fake name with ten seconds. I bet some of the other seventh-graders think you’re super-cool, bro!
Rule #10–CHOOSE SIDES. Do you prefer AEW? WWE? Japanese? All-Women promotions? Small-scale indies? Or maybe a rising British federation? In that case, consider all other companies and their fans “the enemy” and, of course, “wrong.”
Why should anyone enjoy wrestling that’s not your favorite? Gentle persuasion never succeeded as a method to educate fools to the error of their ways. Shouting at total strangers, harshly mocking every misstep “the opposition” performs but ignoring when your team does the exact same thing—that’s what being “a REAL fan” is all about.
Who knows, maybe someday, out of recognition of your tireless efforts, one member of an undercard tag team will wave back at you as he leaves the arena!
You can’t half-ass this, though. When you see some loser in the shirt of a “rival” company, briskly slap him or her right in the face. Drop a couple hundred on a front-row ticket to “invade” an enemy’s TV or PPV and disrupt the mindless-sheep fans by chanting the name of your superior promotion. And who not get a huge neck tattoo of the latter’s logo?
Being a hardcore loyalist who very vocally and publicly sneers at and derides other promotions always pays off, never backfires. Just ask those who were meta-fans of ECW and WCW!
Rule #11–Butt into convos of noted wrestling reporters to name-call either them or people disagreeing with them, adding nothing to the debate itself.
Rule #12—Continue to sign up for services that create hundreds or even thousands of “Followers.” No one can click on your Follower list and see 472 accounts that don’t even tweet in English or ever post anything about the one subject you obsess over. Probably just a technical glitch, the way you have 7419 Followers yet your live tweets and general opinions average three Likes each.
Rule #13—Retweet the videos of that mentally challenged juggalo untrained “stunt man” legitimately hurting himself for approval. Ditto harsh neck bumps, dives from insane heights that disastrously misfire, and apron bumps. Only a snowflake thinks those seen in these clips are human beings.
Rule #14—Quote-tweet EVERY time someone compliments you. Extra credit for calling them “sir” when adding a butt-munch “thank you” line.
Rule #15—Write off anything with “Wrestling has evolved.”
Big deal, you don’t understand the difference between “evolved” and “changed” and how one is subjective and therefore debatable. All the other “knowing fans” are using the phrase to alibi for their pets. And that’s good enough for you, Buckaroo!
Rule #16—If you run a “news site,” feel free to fabricate allegations and outright lies, to add a seamy layer to any story.
Wrestler A no-shows an indie date? It couldn’t possibly be transportation trouble, illness, or the promoter reneging on the agreed-upon appearance fee. Nope, A is back on drugs.
Wrestler B asks for September off? It’s not that she’s getting married and moving into a new home in another country that month. Naaah, she hates her lack of a title shot.
Tag team C turns down the first re-signing offer they’re given, four months before their current contract expires? That’s not a smooth negotiating tactic to get a better offer. They are counting the days until they can leave for Japan.
You can also opt to “balance out” the nabobs of negativity by establishing a nice friendly bootlicking news account instead. Just scan the web for the most popular opinions—even if they are harebrained—and mix in some editorial asides with your news updates.
“My dream match is POC vs Walter.”
“Rey Misterio is Mexico’s most beloved luchadore ever.”
“There has never been a wrestler with more natural charisma than Kenny Omega.”
Don’t forget the occasional pretend-bravery keester kiss.
“This may ruffle some feathers, but I’m okay with Ronda Rousey being gone.”
“Unpopular opinion: Baron Corbin’s big push has run its course.”
“You may not agree, but I say Samoa Joe would look good with the Universal championship around his waist.”
It’s okay to sprinkle in these gutsy, provocative prose once in a while. Controversy Creates Clicks.
Rule #17—Here’s a slick trick. When a mutual or fellow FB group member posts something extremely clever or astute, give it a minor tweak then tweet it as your own when applicable in a week or two. Granted, the irate originator will think you’re an a-hole (and be right.) But you got over, and that’s all that matters.
Let’s be honest: The number-one priority of two-thirds in the “Wrestling Community” is to push themselves; discussing the matches and so forth, a very distant second. Screwing one person to impress thousands is a no-brainer.
ADDITIONAL RULES FOR CELEBRITIES
Rule #C1 —Tweet pandering questions you have neither genuine interest in nor intention of reading responses to.
“Who drank water today?”
“What do you think of inhaling oxygen?”
“Who’s having a birthday in the next twelve months?”
And don’t forget the motivational speaker/philosopher routine.
“If you really want something bad enough, think about others who also share that desire. Striving for goodness will amplify your journey, like salmon swimming upstream.”
Rule #C2 —It’s REALLY important the world knows you are in love. Posts scads of pix of you and your sweetie, destroying any tenuous fantasy of availability that’s paramount to your appeal to millions of fans.
Sure, your merch sales will go in the toilet and the heartbroken will sit on their hands during your matches. But you have a soulmate who will be by your side FOREVER (or until March 31st, whichever comes first.)
Rule #C3—Heels, tweet or IG about taking orphans to the zoo, rescuing puppies from floods, etc.
Additionally, heels or faces, if your Twitter gets hot doing shtick in-character, be sure to post incessantly. NO WAY will you run out of steam and fresh ideas within four weeks.
Rule #C4—Quote-tweet reply, acting all bubbly with fellow stars, while never ever responding to sincere questions or replies from average Joes. Reminding people “There’s a clique, and you ain’t in it” won’t alienate a soul.
Stately States 