SS37–Bayling Out Bayley

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As Wrestling’s Most Fair-Minded Columnist, I am often cited as a beacon of objectivity in a world of biased knee-jerk reactions, an honor and duty I take quite seriously.

Consequentially, even though she’s no doubt guilty as charged and should be lynched ASAP, I am gallantly going to withhold judgment regarding Bayley’s recent string of arrests.  (Except, of course, for her shameful theft of the WWE women’s title.)

In fact, I am going to do one better and defend the common criminal despite her laundry list of pathetic excuses being about as credible as a photoshopped picture of Elton John dirty-dancing with Bigfoot’s sister on the surface of the sun.

As for Bayley’s well-deserved arrests….

*Some massage parlors really do limit services to kneading body parts outside the groinal region.  And while the arrest reports in all three incidents list her place of employment as “Handy” Hanna’s Tug Town and reference Bayley’s reputation for “happy endings,” there is a remote possibility the latter are merely her obnoxious trademark hugs.

*With regard to her arrest by the DEA and feeble explanation “I was only holding it for a friend,” there is a slim chance she had no idea the briefcase she picked up from a Columbian at a remote airstrip at 2 a.m. contained five kilos of cocaine.  That happened to my uncle Knuckles once.  Okay, twice.

In fairness, though, like the District Attorney, I too rolled my eyes at the “for a friend” baloney—for the simple fact that no one can stand the sickening goody-goody.  (A popular expression around the locker room is “I’d rather menstruate daily than spend a minute with Bayley.”)

*As for the incident at Louie’s Limbo Lounge, “Balderdash!” I vehemently exclaim.  The young tramp was, after all, wearing a thong at the time the vice squad raid transpired, and partially concealed by the pole she was dancing next to, so how does that constitute “indecent exposure”?

Furthermore, none of the arresting officers was present when she was performing lap dances earlier, therefore the additional “lewd and lascivious behavior” allegations are strictly hearsay, I say.

Besides, Bayley was performing an important public service.  Several members of the Internet Wrestling Community were in attendance, and Lil Bubble Butt was providing them with their first—and, assuredly, last—glimpse of a half-naked woman.

According to an official report, one IWC member, a Jonathan Smallknob—aka @#BROKENfrogsplash316 on Twitter—age 27, even claimed “I began feeling funny, you know, in my pee-pee, but pulled my XXXL-size Strong Style T-shirt down to cover it.

“My friend @NewJapan4Life hasn’t been able to speak since finally learning what girls have under their shirts.  In fact, we had to cancel our Smarks Too Sweet podcast this week.”

(For those new to the sport, “smarks” is a term used by pompous loudmouths who have no idea how the wrestling business really operates yet criticize it incessantly rather than simply enjoying the shows the way the true fans—to whom these losers laughingly feel superior—do.

Don’t be that person.)

Though it’s a proven facts most broads have no business entering the squared circle and should be home doing things chicks are good at—laundry, serving their male masters, waxing the kitchen floor, etc.—I can think of one exception.

Always treating ringsiders exactly as they deserve to be, a warm smile constantly on her face, strictly adhering to the rules at all times, how can anyone NOT love Charlotte?

And this isn’t just about way she’s effortlessly dominated the WWE Girl Division, or whatever they’re calling it this week.

Away from the arena, Charlotte is a veritable community service saint, particularly when it comes to interacting with the less fortunate.  I recently spent an evening with the long-legged lovely as she took to the streets, and I must confess I was this close to asking for her hand in marriage.  (And a few other body parts, heh heh heh.)

Venturing into a ghetto known as Dallas, Texas, Charlotte’s generosity towards the homeless was unparalleled.  Among her random acts of kindness were….

*Observing a very serious problem plaguing female sidewalk-dwellers, Charlotte handed out over two dozen electric blow-dryers; and not one to exclude the males, she gave 20 men cell phones, taking the time to softly purr to each recipient “They’re not activated, because it’s not like anyone cares enough about you to ever call.”  This angelic stunner also selected several sleeping drunks to participate in the Ice Bucket Challenge, even though that meant leaving the comfort of the limo that bone-chilling February night.

Was she done there?  Hell no!  Spotting members of a Christian youth choir performing on a street corner, the blond beauty placed the entire group under citizen’s arrest for loitering, assuring each would spend the night in a nice warm jail cell rather than go home to their boring parents.

I can’t blame you for hating women, considering the way they’ve treated you all your miserable life, but Charlotte is truly exceptional.  As those sad sacks stuck living in England say, “God save the Queen!”

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