Because Mr. McMahon begged me “So at least one Monday tweeter won’t be an imbecile,” I signed on with Twitter in October of 2014, and now, as completely expected, hold the world record for Most Followers, currently boasting a total of over 100,000,300. (Oh, sure, it may say something like “329” when you look at my Profile, @SWManor. But that’s because the counter resets when you hit a hundred-mil.)
Consequently, I am inundated daily with tweets and e-mails from around the globe. I, of course, generally blow off the ones that aren’t from my fellow celebrities or attractive broads–which in turns means I most certainly can’t be bothered with yours. However, feeling a bit sorry for your wretched lives of unending tedium and the absolute certainty you will NEVER associate with anyone of signficance beyond maybe cleaning their pool or delivering them a pizza, I have consented to share some of the messages that have beamed into the Stately Estate in recent days.
“Have you seem me since I stole Mike Tenay’s job on TNA Impact?”–@realjoshmathews
Yes, you’re half of the only announce team ever to have all its members barred from the cooler rides at Six Flags due to being under four-foot-six.
“Although he wonders how the kids have big blue eyes just like yours, my husband still doesn’t suspect a thing about us. Tee hee hee. Can’t wait until I get all of Daddy’s money, so I can divorce Triple-Homely and put YOU in charge of the company. It’s best for business!”–Stanford Steph@OPP.com
Can’t wait to hear you tell him “You’re FIIIIIIIRED.” And, hey, that workout DVD you sent has done wonders for my forearms and wrists!!!
“You’re a man of the world. Where should I go on my vacation?”–@MATTHARDYBRAND
I recommend the year 2007, when people still cared about your sorry carcass.
“Did you see my last match?”–@HEELZiggler
I sure hope so!!!
“You have been such a tremendous inspiration to many people like me. The best way I could possibly thank you was to hook you up for free cable for life, including those ‘special’ channels from the hidden cameras I hooked up in locker areas.”–CreepyRobLowe@DishNetwork.com
Thanks, pal–and you were right, those cheerleaders from Central High really take some looooong hot showers! Accent on “hot,” heh heh heh.
“When we say ‘Ooo,’ you say____?”–@WWEUsos
Oh, sh*t, change the channel.
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad nyooz.”–@WadeBarrett
Don’t tell me there’s another New Day video coming out!
“Daniel Bryan got robbed at the Royal Rumble!”–Johnny Internetdork@nosepicker.net
Stay right where you are. Your nanny will be by shortly to change your diaper.
“I’m going to do another podcast soon, complaining about how the WWE made me the longest-reigning world champion in modern times and allowed only me to have entrance music from an outside source. So, there.”–CMPunk@WhineAndCheese.com
And you are? Don’t seem to recall the name. Wait, you’re the supposedly “alternative” guy who wears suits now, right?
“Tap of the marnin’ to ya, fella.”–@WWESheamus
Go suck on a Lucky Charm, creep.
“About calling myself a real American hero even though I never served in the military, brother–when I was 18, I wanted to join the Army, but the President said, ‘You’re too valuable to the country to put at risk, dude.'”–HulkHogan@BS4Life.net
Well well well, I guess George Washington could tell a lie, after all.
“I red that book The Seacret and it make me reel smart now Stanley.”–@Ryback22
I bet you were “reel” surprised to learn there are books that don’t come with crayons.
“Growing up in England and reading your brilliant Power Slam magazine columns, I’ve spent my entire life fantasizing about being just like you. XOX”–@RealPaigeWWE
Well, hon, you’ve succeeded…to a certain degree: from the neck down, your physique is practically identical to mine. There is, however, one area in which we greatly vary. Tell you what–next time you’re in Philly, stop by the Manor Mansion and we can air out our differences. I’m sure you’ll be coming here many times thereafter.
“Since I’m a good guy now, I’ve been thinking I ought to change my name. What do YOU think?”–@REALBobbyRoode
I agree. Pumpernickel Von Dumbass Roode has a much better ring to it.
“Drats, I wish I just once could meet up with a talented, bright hunk of manliness like Stately Wayne Manor.”–Elvira, Mistress Of The Dark @TheRealElvira
I was going to conjecture you aren’t going to the correct locales; but from what I can see, you hang out in all the right places.
“Have you ever seen me wrestle?”–@THETOMMYDREAMER
I’m not sure I’d call what you do”wrestling,” but I have in fact seen your fourth, fifteenth and twenty-seventh “retirement match.”
“I did my best promo EVER last night!!!”–@iLikeSamiZayn
Heard it. Must say it suggested you have a very bright future–in pantomime.
“You can’t see me.”–@JohnCena
If only that were true. Sigh.
“Nobody’s ever been better than you at this here color commentatoring. What is the one thing I could do that would most improve a Raw broadcast?”–@BookerT5x