The term “wrestling journalist’ is teetering on the verge of being an oxymoron—due to an excess of morons.
They’re not all terrible. In their publications’ formative years, popular Dale Metzger and his counterpart Weed Killer published words by SW Manor–and to this day consider me a dear friend and influence, constantly expressing their gratitude for my support when they were nobodies.
Consequently, those two get a pass. As for the rest of them….
Being brighter than everyone else—which, when it comes to wrestling fanDUMB, is about as challenging as being the toughest guy on Gilligan’s Island—I have devised a completely objective scoring system to determine whether your favorites qualify as “wrestling journalists.”
*taken journalism courses at the high school and university level?
*been internationally published in a multitude of newsstand journals not about wrestling?
*six figures in the bank and a fully paid-for house?
*spoken on dozens of terrestrial (over-the-air, not podcasts) wrestling radio programs, including setting Most Guest Shots records on some shows?
*guested on terrestrial non-wrestling drive-time radio shows in New York City and Philadelphia?
*provided material for Wrestlemania, Raw and Nitro?
*done color commentary for an American promotion and Japanese wrestling videos, the former eventually available on the WWE Network?
*performed in-ring “Piper’s Pit” style interviews as well as participated in matches other than comedy novelty matches at fan conventions?
*been asked for autographs by anyone outside the IWC internet bubble?
*consistently been the most attractive person at any graps event?
*been the subject of stories in tabloids with circulation of over one million?
*been repeatedly hired by a variety of total strangers eager to publish their prose?
*spent many many years being PAID to opine?
*been interviewed for the front page of the Sports section and, later, the front page of the entire local newspaper, for their achievements as a writer beyond just wrestling?
*the versatility to Tweet daily about topics beyond the mat sport?
*reported on conversations with movie, TV and music stars? And have blogs and websites dedicated to those other topics?
Okay, how does the scoring work? That’s easy…because only one individual qualifies for a “Yes” on every question.
STATELY WAYNE MANOR.
There you have it, inarguable scientific proof I am easily the greatest scribe to ever pick up a pen. That goes for newsletter nerds, over-glorified photographers who “somehow” always get themselves in front of the camera, fanboys who turn publishers so wrestlers will talk to them, and women who steal column names and think they won’t get busted.
None can touch me. You proved it yourself by completing this totally unbiased test.
Here’s something I don’t do. Post buttmunch drivel like “Bret Hart truly is the best there ever was” and “TK is a god,” just to get Likes and Retweets. Suck-ups they will eventually contradict, I might add.
You know what else I don’t do though it is popular with the inferiors? Vanity-search my name, to either pick fights with anyone disagreeing with me or to Block them outright.
Unlike the hypersensitive hotheads—who condemn wrestlers for being the very same way—I don’t need constant validation. I believe everyone is entitled to their asinine opinion. Besides I’ve never been wrong about anything (except once, but we’ll get to that below.)
Shutting out the anti-Manors is simply practicing putting mind over matter. As in I don’t mind that you don’t matter.
Don’t let the above chronicle of my superiority mislead you. I am very approachable (unless you wear a man-bun) and easy to spot at any public gathering—because I’m the most charismatic man there.
All I ask is that you don’t genuflect too long or attempt physical contact, the exception being if you’re a hot broad and have been granted permission. There’s not enough sanitizer on the entire East Coast to counter whatever diseases I’d be exposed to via shaking hands with the typical wrestling fan!
The aforementioned only error I ever made in Stately States was presuming MehJF was going to blossom into more than a repetitive one-trick pony who SHOUTS NEARLY EVERY SINGLE WORD of promos others write for him.
Don’t believe the latter? Look at his painfully putrid Twitter. “Tiger King sucks” “You aren’t shit.” Seriously? Do you really believe the person who wrote this claptrap and thought it was clever is the same one who comes up with those speeches on Dynamite?
We’re talking about someone whose creativity and originality includes putting “The” in front of his name (a la The Miz) and speaking in the third person (a la The Rock) like pampered sports stars have been doing for “only” a half-century or so.
But, hey, wearing the jersey of a hated rival of the local team is edgy.
If it’s 1988.
And you’re Eddie Gilbert.
The reaction to his “provocative” behavior? “LMAO, you rule, dude.” Do you drooling dolts have any idea what the term “heel” even means???
Quick history lesson. They are called “heels” because they’re the despised bad guys working the ringside rubes into a frenzy of genuine hatred. Not just for the seven minutes they’re performing on TV. But 24/7.
And, no, “wink-wink, play along with me, friends” nonsense.
Now let’s take a look at MehJF—literally.
From the neck up, he looks like something found on Easter Island, or maybe a cross between Buzz Lightyear and a hamster. I’ve seen better faces on mummies.
However, being an unbiased journalist, I will readily admit, between his height and physique, Maxipad reminds me of another character made famous via television exposure.
Yogi Bear’s buddy Boo-Boo.
Speaking of TV stars, did you know Fraudman’s face got a sympathy card from Barney Fife?
“Yeah, but it’s about more than looks,” you blubber, spittle running down the front of your never-washed size XXXXL black T-shirt.
Do you mean your “greatest heel” who came to the ring in a Star Trek costume? Or the guy who cut a promo about being bullied as a kid and having a learning disability?
Yeah, those are some inflammatory acts. Better call the fire marshal, pronto.
Maybe, in the future, he can air clips of him rescuing a panda cub from a burning building, and discuss the homeless shelter he’s personally constructing and funding.
Then again, you can’t expect much better from a guy so dumb he once signed a ransom note.
There IS one thing worse that the man who puts the “M” in “Mid.” That’s Friedman’s supporters.
What kind of testosterone-deficient, zero self-esteem, boot-kissing, worthless and weak simp tells someone else “You’re better than me and I know it”?!?!?
Sidenote: I’ve been walking around with a “>U” sticker on my leather for over a dozen years. So, ya boy isn’t even doing anything original, either.
It also means I’m ballsier than you—and you know THAT.