The Road To Wrestlemania and its related hype get WWE fans excited about certain matches; however, overall interest in the product as a whole has been in decline, as reflected in record-low TV viewership numbers.
“Superstar Shakeups” have had no lasting effect. And some pundits have wondered if eliminating the brand split will cure the woes.
But wrestling is a character-driven sport, and no change in the structure is going to reverse the spiral. Just as in previous booms, the WWE needs an individual to lead it back to the Promised Land.
This man must possess the versatility the modern market demands, top-level communication skills, major-league experience and proven fan appeal. Am I suggesting they bring back Stoned Old Steve Austin? Somebody give me a “Hell, no.”
There is only one available athlete who checks all the above boxes, possesses the necessary youth and lacks the overexposure of Austin, Goldbrick and fellow has-beens.
Manormaniacs, I present to you the charismatic individual who can not only resurrect the WWE, but also save wrestling across the board.
That man is Damien Sandow.
Before you give me a well-deserved standing ovation, please absorb all the details. Because The Miz has turned into The Miss since marrying that Canadian chick and becoming a whipped wimp changing diapers in his high heels and Wonder Bra, Damien will NOT be returning as “Mizdow.”
No, no, no; no more carrying the Cleveland Clown and distracting audiences from Frog Face’s many weaknesses.
The Savior is far too versatile to be stuck in one role. In fact, my long-time dear friend David Bowie dropped by the Manor Mansion to catch Sandow vs Cena on RAW and remarked “I wish I had the ability to change personas as well as this remarkable Damien fellow does.”
This time around, the bonebender’s chameleon-like qualities will be utilized to their fullest. Be awestruck picturing the following scenarios over the next two years.
The WWE is presenting RAW in the loser capitol of North America, Chicago. As per usual, the local yokels chant for their hometown zero—but this time, things go very differently. Suddenly, “The Cult Of Personality” blares over the sound system. And as the crowd collectively wet their panties, out comes OH, MY GOD, HE’S HERE—C.M. Punkdow.
Punkdow sits on the stage, holding a symbolic pipe—a tobacco pipe, that is—and rattles off a list of “woe is me” petty gripes about the temperature of the mashed potatoes in catering, his chauffeur insisting he wear a seat belt, and the state taxing country club membership fees.
Then it’s time to really “shoot.” Punkdow has had it up to here with the business that’s made him a famous millionaire, and is going to see to it that all wrestlers get free health coverage, their road expenses covered, annual vacations, double-payment for working on holidays “…and the formation of the best damn union this country has ever seen!”
None of which he has even the slightest intention of ever actually doing.
Due to CM’s “extended absence,” the WWE decides to refresh fans’ memories via weekly video clips. The first three are: Punkdow being thrown off a rodeo bull before the gate is even opened; him becoming the first person to score a zero in Super Mario Party; and, hidden camera footage of the “straight-edge superstar” and very vocal vegan puffing on a joint while at a McDonald’s drive-thru window.
The Nature Dow. The “Rolex-stealing, limousine-kissing son of a bitch” is in the best shape of his life. Everything seems to be going right for the “sixteen-times married” veteran. Fans love his entrance and trademark “Whoa!” But every time the ring announcer introduces his opponent, Naitch starts crying, forcing each match to be ruled a No Contest.
Pressed on this backstage by Charly Caruso (who’s also in love with me), The Nature Dow vows to work on overcoming this issue, begins trembling and excuses himself, dashing to his dressing room.
Concerned, Charly waits outside the door. Ten minutes later, it opens, and instead of The Nature Dow, out comes Tommy Dreamdow, clutching a kendo stick in one hand and a cannoli in the other.
This stunning transformation is indeed effective. The Innovator Of Violins is now capable of competing, each match ending with (A.) him losing as per usual and (B.) a teary-eyed speech announcing “my retirement, effective immediately.”
Which he repeats every night from the very next one through to SummerSlam, including throughout the WWE’s 36-city European tour.
What’s next for the dynamic Damien? Time to try out a number of short-term gimmicks. There’s…
*Matt Jackdow, who wants to be thought of as a fun-loving free spirit but is, in reality, a hypersensitive twit who spends nine hours daily vanity-searching his name on social media, getting butthurt when someone doesn’t fawn over him.
Zack Ryder: I prefer ketchup over mustard on hot dogs.
Matt Jackdow: Hmm, that’s interesting.
[Zack walks away. Matt pulls out his phone, Blocks Zack on Twitter.]
*Dwayne Johnsdow Cuts an in-ring promo that’s just a string of sorely outdated catchphrases, finishing with “The Crock says this. The WWE is my home, and I’m never leaving again.”
Does no more appearances thereafter.
*Brie Belldow. Groundbreaking WWE’s first transgender competitor wears a Dow Mode shirt and booty shorts, but never wrestles or speaks—which makes him waaaaay better than that other Brie.
*Color commentator Corey Gravedow Finds the worst-fitting suit Goodwill has to offer, vacillates between being a heel and a babyface a dozen time per match, and never says anything of consequence.
No one at home notices the difference between him and the adulterer he replaced.
*Indie sensation Zackdow Osprey, Junior The bell sounds, he flips, rolls, somersaults, does a 720 dive off the top into a series of cartwheels around the entire ring, and rebounds off all four ropes into a triple-handspring, for two minutes non-stop, gets dizzy and immediately pinned.
*Reverend Hacksaw Jim Duggdow Rather than the friendly patriot of his predecessor, Rev. Duggdow is a self-righteous religious zealot toting a Bible in place of a 2×4. His pre-match ritual is pointing out a stylishly dressed woman in the crowd and shouting “You’re a ho-o-o-o.”
All of the above are but merely a warm-up for when Damian goes for the Big Kahunas. First up is….
Imagine the classic confrontations HH2 will have with the current members of the WWE roster.
Praising impromptu tag partner Nakamura: “I fought alongside a lot of gooks when I was a Green Beret in Vietnam. Maybe we can go to Chinatown after our victory. You like-y shlimp flied lice?”
Hogdow to Rey Mysterio: “I loved Eddie Guerrero as much as you did. In fact, I love all beaners, dude. They’re great at cutting my lawn, brother.
“You know something, Mean Mysterio? We never had a match. I say we hook it up—once you show me your green card, little man. Whatcha gonna do when ICE agents run wild on you?”
Hulk Hodow will have an extended run, until he’s indefinitely suspended for refusing to tag in during a six-man match against The New Day. (Because…well, you know.)
But what supreme hero of men, women and children can Damien transform into next? Who is the one man whose achievements dwarf that of not only the Hulkster but also of every grappler ever to set foot in any ring, any promotion, any date, anywhere? An iconic ringmaster every single fan loves more than life itself? The personification of achieving the ultimate reward for hard work?
HOLY CRAP, IT’S IT’S IT’S TRIPLE-M!!!!!
Our television sets will never be the same. As it turns out, Munter Mearst Melmsley is married to Vince McMahon’s heretofore unacknowledged other daughter, Bethany—a connection the Cerebral Ass is not above making well-known, including spraying champagne out of his mouth while on the ring apron, pre-match.
In a move that would make Dusty Rhodes proud, every promo, including those by the women and two weirdoes on the Sonic ads, will contain a mention of Triple-M’s unmatched influence, charm and rugged good looks.
Renee Young will finally contribute something to RAW, by lustfully purring her new catchphrase “What a hunk!” before fainting every time the Tripper is within sight.
This completely sincere and not just protecting their jobs adulation will crescendo at Wrestlemania 37, when MMM and Bethany perform a 45-minute entrance, an elaborate thematic mix of Game Of Thrones, Thor Ragnarok and The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie.